@daun44 - Boy! Can I relate to what you just posted in that one sentence: "People responding to me with a lack of empathy sends me into panic." !!!!

OMG is all I can write right now. Thank you. I've expressed this in some very recent Zoom therapy sessions, but have not had any acknowledgment or insight into this VERY strong reaction I have to lack of empathy. It is understandable, but my tolerance of it is wearing thin.

It has been growing - my magnified reaction to wholesale, consistent "blank face" reactions to my observations, concerns or expressed discomfort, whether it is from my sibling or my partner. Recently I had to say to my fiance: "You're killing me." I am fairly certain he is not a narcissist, but his lack of expression, often complete lack of response to any number of things I say - just normal, everyday talk - has become breath-stopping. Otherwise he is a sweet, creative partner. But I know I can't go any further with our relationship (i.e., into marriage) if this doesn't change; and that is fine. Marriage is no longer a goal for me, especially now that I seem to have achieved more financial independence than I've ever had in the past...and that is only to say: if I can't find a compassionate life partner (which I've spent my whole life searching for), at least I will be able to afford life's necessities and a few treats here and there. But that doesn't mean I won't long for that connection.

Well, this is maybe something for a separate topic on mental health concerns in relationships, but it takes a toll, especially the lack of validation, being "seen", literally and emotionally being "heard", and otherwise just generally feeling valued and comforted and safe.

As a woman, I'm concerned about wanting to feel safe because I had an odd mix of feeling safe while growing up under narcissistic parents. However, I wonder if that may have been - instead of safety - actually giving up my individuality for some perceived sense of protection. Because my individuality would (& did, on rare occasions), naturally, question (at great fear of abandonment) the 'status quo'.

I need to leave it at that for now, as I'm not sure I'm conveying what is for me a great mixture of sadness and grieving over the price of loss associated with growing up in a narcissitic environment. There was little to zero sense of support, and now that I'm in my mid 60s and still never resolving or getting beyond its burden, in spite of many outward successes and things to be grateful for, I don't want this grieving to continue for what is left of my life.

I welcome anyone who can relate similar experiences or a general sense of grieving and awareness of loss, and how they keep their head above water in spite of the cast iron weight of that constantly there to pull you down.

Best wishes to all - as I've said before here - along this bumpy, convoluted path of life.