The disconnect is that I know in my head that the advice you and others in this forum have given me is true but I don't yet feel it in my heart, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to listen to someone who advised "have a drink at the pity party but then go back home and don't stay for a second one."

And you're not ignorant at all. There are no sexual activities that gay people do that straight people don't also do, and not every gay person does all of them like you would think if you watch any adult movies (which are so unrealistic they're almost laughable at times).

I *am* doing a lot better mentally where the days are fine--I work, go on bike rides, hike with my dog, visit family and friends, etc. It's the nighttime when the darker feelings start to surface. Have an appointment with my long-time doctor who knows me super well so am going to ask if maybe a short term antidepressant might be a good thing for me, though I'm also somewhat loathe to add yet another medication to my arsenal (pre-cancer I took one med, for now it's six).