The word "Survivor."

I am glad that there are so many survivors out there. I wanted to be a survivor and get to ring the bell and such. But, it didn’t work out that way for me. Now I just consider myself as a loser because I’m not going to survive after trying so hard. This is my second round of breast cancer after a ten year break. They tried everything. I finished my treatment a few weeks back and I am not going to survive, I’m going to die. I don’t know how long I have. I have breast cancer tumors in my left armpit, my lymph nodes, my bones, my lungs and my liver is filled completely with tumors. I truly am so very happy for those of you that are survivors. I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t know about my cancer because I don’t want to scare them with my story and ruin their joy. I would rather they keep their joy. So I’m not a survivor and I feel like I am a loser or whatever. God bless all of you beautiful survivors. Maria

Maria,
I read your story, and I only think brave. To tell us the truth, to know any of us who have cancer know it may not be gone forever. The plain and simple truth you wrote touches me deeply. I cannot change your experience, but i know you are not a loser. The tumors were not created by you. The dang cancer cells are the losers. Glod bless you beautiful Maria.

I am glad that there are so many survivors out there. I wanted to be a survivor and get to ring the bell and such. But, it didn’t work out that way for me. Now I just consider myself as a loser because I’m not going to survive after trying so hard. This is my second round of breast cancer after a ten year break. They tried everything. I finished my treatment a few weeks back and I am not going to survive, I’m going to die. I don’t know how long I have. I have breast cancer tumors in my left armpit, my lymph nodes, my bones, my lungs and my liver is filled completely with tumors. I truly am so very happy for those of you that are survivors. I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t know about my cancer because I don’t want to scare them with my story and ruin their joy. I would rather they keep their joy. So I’m not a survivor and I feel like I am a loser or whatever. God bless all of you beautiful survivors. Maria

To Maria @mglinkhart
I wish I could reach out and give you a hug! Words fail me in trying to express how I wish this was not the outcome for you. Your posts here have shown your kind heart while looking for answers. You have shown such strength, trying so hard, and enduring treatments.
You are the best of us! You are a warrior.
Sending love, wishing for moments of joy where you find them, Tricia

I bring it up when my experience might be useful to someone I am speaking with. When I had breast cancer, I told everybody. When I had gyn cancer, I told nobody -- not because of where it was, but because a lot of people I know casually approach me like....uh, uh, are you okay now?? because of the breast cancer from 2019. It's an identity I can't shed, no matter what I do. So I decided early on not to tell the next time around.

I am glad that there are so many survivors out there. I wanted to be a survivor and get to ring the bell and such. But, it didn’t work out that way for me. Now I just consider myself as a loser because I’m not going to survive after trying so hard. This is my second round of breast cancer after a ten year break. They tried everything. I finished my treatment a few weeks back and I am not going to survive, I’m going to die. I don’t know how long I have. I have breast cancer tumors in my left armpit, my lymph nodes, my bones, my lungs and my liver is filled completely with tumors. I truly am so very happy for those of you that are survivors. I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t know about my cancer because I don’t want to scare them with my story and ruin their joy. I would rather they keep their joy. So I’m not a survivor and I feel like I am a loser or whatever. God bless all of you beautiful survivors. Maria

I think the term "survivor" denies the fact that we live with the threat of recurrence or metastasis long term. Sure we can put it on the back burner. But honestly we are never 100% safe. I am 10 years out and know that with hormonal cancers, risk continues to rise. It is what is.

I read a book that was highly critical of the warrior language ("fight," "brave" etc.). If cancer comes back, or if we are losing the "battle,", it doesn't mean we have weaker characters or lack strength of any kind.

The same book was highly critical of the pink theme as a form of marketing cancer.
I dnn't personally have any feelings about that other than pink kind of trivializes the experience. I do think, however, that some of the advocacy using pink has resulted in a lot more research.

I guess I have needed to hear this. It was never my intention to offend anyone. When you’re in my position, everything hurts including your feelings. I tried to hide it, but it’s impossible. If you’re not chipper in sunshine and happy and people avoid you so you have to pretend for the rest of your short, miserable life that you’re happy And I am trying. I’m just so sad thank you for your beautiful words. Maria.

I'm glad you are able to be honest with us here. Your posts are very touching. I almost died when I was 21 and now have a rare difficult to treat breast cancer. Both times some people in my life tried to make it my fault--caused by something I did. In the intervening decades my journey was AWAY from blame and self-hatred. Easier said than done, however. So today I am just sending you support and caring. Is there anything or anybody in your life right now that can help the real you?