That's brutal. I have never had to be alone for long since my cancer diagnosis -- for the first few months, I was sharing hospital rooms with other patients, then I was home with my spouse (and often, my adult kids).

You're carrying a huge burden by yourself right now, and it makes sense that you're stumbling into the occasional rabbit hole. When you can, remind yourself how strong you are by celebrating your victories.

Also don't forget that you are a valuable human being with a lot to give to the world besides sex. We can't predict the future, but perhaps some day you'll be in a position where you can become a peer councillor for other gay men with prostate cancer, coaching them through the dark patch you're in right now. No matter how well-intentioned we are, cishets like me can't fully understand what you're experiencing, and gay men with prostate cancer really need (and deserve) support from inside the community.