1. < Prostate Cancer

Ready to throw in the towel

Posted by scottbeammeup @scottbeammeup, Jul 19 6:50am

I'm 60 and was diagnosed as Gleason 7, T2B. Was given Lupron, 5 sessions of SBRT and they want me to continue Lupron for a year. I just got my second six month shot.

I honestly don't think I can make it. I worked REALLY hard to stay in shape but now my arms and legs are like toothpicks and my stomach is huge. I've forced myself on a 500 calorie a day diet (two protein shakes and a multivitamin) for the past month and it's STILL not getting rid of my belly. I stopped going to the gym because, frankly, I'm embarrassed to be seen there among my old gym buddies.

I had a fantastic sex life with a good number of f***buddies but now it takes so long to get an erection by myself that it's not even worth it.

Worse, though, is that I am SO sad with a grief I have never felt in my life before--not even when my parents died. I feel like I am underwater looking up at a hazy world. I cry or feel sad at least 4-5 hours a day.

I sleep, at most, four hours a night even though I take a double dose of Xanax (2 mg total) and two Benadryls. The drugs knock me out but I wake up at 2 or 3 AM and can't go back to sleep.

Today, I casually told a nurse I can't wait for the next six months to be over because that's the end of Lupron and she said it's going to be more like 18 months to get back to normal because Lupron takes a very long time to leave the body. Hearing that made me want to hurl myself off the roof of the medical building--I just literally froze with fear.

I'm technically "alive" but there is no quality to anything. My day consists of faking my way through work, then coming home and crying on the couch and staring into space. Sometimes my heart will start racing at 150-180 bpm for a few minutes and I pray I will just have a heart attack and die.

My friends and family have given up on me, and I honestly don't blame them. I also got tired of their "you need to be positive," "you need to have a positive outlook" bull****.

I guess what I'm asking is how the hell do so many other guys do this and still have any kind of a life. I feel like I'm 100% destroyed inside.

UPDATE: Nov. 15, 2024

To everyone responding to this post--thank you! I will say it is an older post and I have gotten help in many ways:

I joined a support group, I have a prostate cancer mentor, I am seeing a psychologist and a sexual health physician, and of course still participating in this group. One "advantage" of getting a prostate cancer diagnosis early in the year is that I was able to quickly meet my insurance deductible so don't have any out of pocket cost for these things until January so plan to take FULL advantage of any and everything available to me through my cancer center.

I have also been exercising a lot and outdoors as much as possible. I find being in nature is helpful. I also listen to a lot of sad music which is oddly cathartic and have been writing about my life which helps me to channel a lot of feelings and ideas into things that might somehow help others.

So, while the original post was negative and is true to how I felt at the time, my outlook is improving. I'm still not quite the cheerful carefree guy I was before but I'm also not crying three hours a day anymore, either. So, progress is being made and thank you to all who are responding.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Prostate Cancer Support Group.

anselmo1 | @anselmo1 | Jul 21 3:00pm
In reply to @colleenyoung "Hi all, A reminder about the Community Guidelines, in particular guideline number 1. 1. Be careful..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Hi all, A reminder about the Community Guidelines, in particular guideline number 1.

1. Be careful about giving out medical advice
- Sharing your own experience is fine, but don't tell other members what they should do.
- Experiences and information shared by members on the Mayo Clinic Connect are not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
- Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the community.

See the complete community rules here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/

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I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to give any medical advice on this forum, I know better. I was merely expressing my own personal experience.

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rcctiger | @rcctiger | Jul 21 4:15pm

Diagnosed with PC (Gleason 7) in 2022 at age 71. Treatment plan same as yours. Proton radiation (5) and 14 months on Lupron. It was challenging at times. Sleep was the worst for me, but you should focus on the finish line.

Two years later I am cancer free, PSA undetectable and overall feel pretty good. Trying to build back some muscle mass. Sleeping much better now.

Surgery was never an option for me and though it was tough at times, I would choose the same treatment again.

Hang in there and best of luck to you.

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stevecando54 | @stevecando54 | Jul 21 4:46pm
In reply to @scottbeammeup "I read that as a G7 I could go up to five years without symptoms if..." + (show)
@scottbeammeup

I read that as a G7 I could go up to five years without symptoms if I chose no treatment, and that was my plan until several family members BEGGED and cried for me to try some kind of treatment, so I reluctantly agreed, but I had no idea treatment would be this awful and painful so part of the reason I avoid them now is anger. My original plan was to just take the five years (or whatever it was) and then do medical assistance in dying (legal in my U.S. state) if/when it became painful.

Now I'm told I could live 10-15 or more years but I can't imagine feeling this way for that long. All kinds of physical and mental problems I NEVER had before starting ADT. The joint pain is the worst but doctors in the U.S. no longer care about or treat pain in any meaningful way and I have a bleeding disorder so can't use Aleve or Ibuprofen (Tylenol is useless) and I'm too old to know a drug dealer to buy pain meds from (only half kidding). I tried THC gummies and they work but I'm not a huge fan of being high.

Still, I suppose somewhere in me is a shred of hope because I keep going to the gym to do resistance training and taking my dog for 5 mile walks. I think the best way to describe how I feel right now is like a birdcage but the door opened and the bird flew away and now there's just the empty cage.

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I liked the part about taking your dog for walks. There is a reason they say "dogs are a man's best friend". Maybe when having a not so good day, focus on how much that dog enjoys walks with you. We can be having a bad day and damn if they don't meet us at the door all excited to see us. My dogs and cats have since passed but I still enjoy watching the goldfish swim about. Best to all

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1 reply
northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | Jul 21 5:56pm
In reply to @scottbeammeup "Thanks. The personal trainer story is encouraging. When I started ADT, I bumped up my weightlifting..." + (show)
@scottbeammeup

Thanks. The personal trainer story is encouraging. When I started ADT, I bumped up my weightlifting to four days a week instead of three but am still losing muscle mass and strength. The psychologist is an excellent idea, just from re-reading my own post I think I need it!

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Keep us updated — this is a good group of people, and they genuinely care.

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scottbeammeup | @scottbeammeup | Jul 21 7:43pm
In reply to @stevecando54 "I liked the part about taking your dog for walks. There is a reason they say..." + (show)
@stevecando54

I liked the part about taking your dog for walks. There is a reason they say "dogs are a man's best friend". Maybe when having a not so good day, focus on how much that dog enjoys walks with you. We can be having a bad day and damn if they don't meet us at the door all excited to see us. My dogs and cats have since passed but I still enjoy watching the goldfish swim about. Best to all

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Yes, dogs definitely have a different agenda and I do still get some joy watching mine try (and fail) to catch squirrels as they run up trees. Mine seems to know when I'm feeling especially sad and will do something goofy to try to get my attention like roll around her back and make weird noises.

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flax | @flax | Jul 22 1:49pm

Well this is a tough one to answer. I was 83 with a Gleason score of 9+. I had 45 sessions of radiation. don't know of anyone going the high dose ratiation route you took.........I read up on it and it doesn't seem to be used for prostate cancer.....but I'm not a doctor.

My Lupron shots were every 3 months for a 1 1/2 years. I continued my workouts at the Y from the start and had very little if any loss of muscle. Sex life ended with the first Lupron shot and hasen't shown back up as yet but I'm 85 now and don't miss it as much as I thought I would.....being 60 is tough. But it will come back with time and a active life which includes exercise and lots of it.

In your situation I would definitely seek answers from prostate cancer specialists other than yours. Maybe joing a support group to find others that had your identical treatment and their experience.

Sounds like you had a very active party life and loved it as most would. I would definitely go back to the gym. Your buddies there would be glad to see you as you would if it was your buddy going through this.

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1 reply
northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | Jul 22 3:06pm
In reply to @flax "Well this is a tough one to answer. I was 83 with a Gleason score of..." + (show)
@flax

Well this is a tough one to answer. I was 83 with a Gleason score of 9+. I had 45 sessions of radiation. don't know of anyone going the high dose ratiation route you took.........I read up on it and it doesn't seem to be used for prostate cancer.....but I'm not a doctor.

My Lupron shots were every 3 months for a 1 1/2 years. I continued my workouts at the Y from the start and had very little if any loss of muscle. Sex life ended with the first Lupron shot and hasen't shown back up as yet but I'm 85 now and don't miss it as much as I thought I would.....being 60 is tough. But it will come back with time and a active life which includes exercise and lots of it.

In your situation I would definitely seek answers from prostate cancer specialists other than yours. Maybe joing a support group to find others that had your identical treatment and their experience.

Sounds like you had a very active party life and loved it as most would. I would definitely go back to the gym. Your buddies there would be glad to see you as you would if it was your buddy going through this.

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" I would definitely go back to the gym. Your buddies there would be glad to see you as you would if it was your buddy going through this."

That's good advice. While I was in hospital and then a wheelchair, the other pilots at the local airport pitched in to keep an eye on my plane and cut the grass/shovel the snow in my spot. They did that for over a year, until I was recovered enough to sell the plane.

People don't need to be impressed with you; they just are glad you're there.

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melcanada | @melcanada | Jul 23 7:27am

Never put your cross down as someone else might pick it up and leave you theirs

Pray and get out and help people Bone mets, radium 223 6 shots and still news mets in 9th rib and PSA up to 31.4

What's next I feel great but stats say 15 mos? Chemo? Why Stage 4

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Scott M | @smurphympls | Jul 23 10:54am
In reply to @scottbeammeup "Thanks. The personal trainer story is encouraging. When I started ADT, I bumped up my weightlifting..." + (show)
@scottbeammeup

Thanks. The personal trainer story is encouraging. When I started ADT, I bumped up my weightlifting to four days a week instead of three but am still losing muscle mass and strength. The psychologist is an excellent idea, just from re-reading my own post I think I need it!

Jump to this post

A bit late to this one, but I am somewhat similar to you. 59, on the last month of a six month course of Eligard, and finished five fractions of SBRT in May. Worked out regularly, power yoga, rucking and walking were/are my main physical jams. I've experienced some muscle loss, loss of strength, and getting a gut somewhat, and have occasional warm/hot flashes. Working on eating better and focused on more plant-centric meals, occasional slices of pizza or some ice cream round that out. 😉

I think it's important to keep working out, even if it's a less intense program than your used to doing. In that regard, I think yoga is a great addition to your routine, since it can help with "practical strength" to able to walk under your own weight, balance, flexibility of the joints, etc. You might try some yin/restore classes if a regular class is stressful or creates other issues for you

In my own case, I've hardly missed a yoga class during treatment since I found them to be important to my physical and mental health. And yes, going into a hot yoga class for an hour wears me the f* out, but the end-benefits mean so much to me. And since many people in my yoga studio know about my PCa journey, they have been wonderfully supportive too.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Be kind to yourself, get help if you need it and take care of you mentally, emotionally and physically. And we're always here for you. Warrior on!

~Another Scott

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