Ready to throw in the towel

I have stage4, I occasionally step in that hole of "well this is not good". I have to fight to make sure I get out of the hole. I tell myself that I'm not really thinking about the cancer all the time, focus on the side effects of the meds I'm taking. This site has really helped me to take joy in the small things in life. Also, everything I'm going through, there are others on here going through the same thing. It has really helped me since finding this site to keep moving forward. To be honest if someone had told me they had prostate cancer before my diagnosis, I wouldn't know what that involved. Here on this site we can learn from others and get inspiration from their journey. Everyone is here to help each other. Best to all.

I read that as a G7 I could go up to five years without symptoms if I chose no treatment, and that was my plan until several family members BEGGED and cried for me to try some kind of treatment, so I reluctantly agreed, but I had no idea treatment would be this awful and painful so part of the reason I avoid them now is anger. My original plan was to just take the five years (or whatever it was) and then do medical assistance in dying (legal in my U.S. state) if/when it became painful.

Now I'm told I could live 10-15 or more years but I can't imagine feeling this way for that long. All kinds of physical and mental problems I NEVER had before starting ADT. The joint pain is the worst but doctors in the U.S. no longer care about or treat pain in any meaningful way and I have a bleeding disorder so can't use Aleve or Ibuprofen (Tylenol is useless) and I'm too old to know a drug dealer to buy pain meds from (only half kidding). I tried THC gummies and they work but I'm not a huge fan of being high.

Still, I suppose somewhere in me is a shred of hope because I keep going to the gym to do resistance training and taking my dog for 5 mile walks. I think the best way to describe how I feel right now is like a birdcage but the door opened and the bird flew away and now there's just the empty cage.

I just saw your post. My heart goes out to you. I was diagnosed at age 69 (now 71) and have had similar issues but also have complete ED after fantastic sex life over the years with a loving and beautiful wife. After starting Lupron in 10/22 as part of Triplet therapy for Stage 4 prostate cancer, I became depressed and anxious. Six months after the start of Lupron my Testosterone was < 3 (Lupron working) but fatigue and depression were prominent. My MO at Hopkins insisted I see a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants. I did and it worked. I've been off Lupron for a year and my T is slowly rising. I have forced my self to walk 5 miles a day and go to the gym 3 days a week. I plan golf 3-5 times a week.
I say all of this to tell you that you are not alone. The good news for you is 1) you might be cured and 2) you can still get erections, even if they take longer to achieve.
At your age and relatively short course of AFT, your T will likely return, it might just take a while. I know you have probably heard this but see a therapist (to get on antidepressant and have someone to talk with/vent) and consult a dietician (it doesn't should like you dietary plan is very sound). You will regain your muscle mass. You can have a satisfying sex life. You can be happy again. In a state of depression it's hard to see those things but they are achievable. Take the steps; life is worth it!

Thanks. I agree that therapy would be helpful. I want to find someone not connected with a cancer center since I know that all the major cancer centers have staff that work together and coordinate things and I think I would trust a neutral third-party more than someone who worked for the cancer center (not that the people at my cancer center aren't caring just that sometimes a third party opinion is helpful).

I realized it's not just lack of sex that has me depressed but the physical joint pain I'm in constantly if I move wrong, and the lack of sleep. Also, the pain from the injections themselves was almost unbearable, though fortunately I just got my last six month shot so shouldn't be getting any more.

IMO it's not about how much you lift, it's more about do you get a thorough, safe workout where you walk away thinking "I'm spent." In my case over the course of two weekly training sessions we hit every muscle group, large and small, and do various body weight, balance, core, etc exercises. It's not "Arnold" level stuff but I take every set to within one or two reps of failure. That's as good as you can do and how much you lifted doesn't matter that much in terms of combatting the ADT side effects. With me, I just like being challenged and striving to improve.

I don't think you'll find a trainer specializing in PCa patients. However, and this is the one downside, it is not cheap, so most my trainer's clients are seasoned citizens who are more likely to have health issues. Out of the dozen or so clients my trainer has, one other is a man with PCa who is on ADT. Call some trainers and talk with them.

I'm sorry about the joint pain. And the anger is fully understandable — it doesn't matter whether it's deserved or not, because you're the one experiencing all the hard parts, and you have a right to feel how you feel. Anger can also eat away at you though, so for your own sake, you might want to take up the advice elsewhere in this thread and talk to a professional — since you're a gym rat 🙂 if you prefer you can think of them as a mood coach or trainer (which is really what they are) instead of a therapist.

My ARSI (Erleada) makes Ibuprofin practically useless; opiods give me vivid nightmares (I was on them for a couple of days post-surgery), and CBDs did nothing for me. Because my pain was mostly nerve-based (from the spinal compression and surgery), Pregabalin (Lyrica) helped quite a bit, but I didn't love the side-effects, so after consulting my medical team, I gradually titrated off it.

Background: I've had PC for 20 years - surgery & radiation in 2004 then no sign of cancer for 6 years followed by 9 years of intermittent lupron / eligard. This year after a four-year break from Lupron my PSA climbed, had Lupron shot with another coming in 2 weeks. I hate the side effects, but I am here for my family.
IN REFERENCE TO FLYING - IN 2011 OUR FBO MANAGER WROTE FAA HEAD "I WANT TO FLY THE PLANE NOT _ _ _ _ IT!"
HE GOT HIS TICKET BACK!

I think the Canadian equivalent would be "Sorry to bother you, but if it's OK, I'd really like to fly." 🙂

funny!

Thanks. The personal trainer story is encouraging. When I started ADT, I bumped up my weightlifting to four days a week instead of three but am still losing muscle mass and strength. The psychologist is an excellent idea, just from re-reading my own post I think I need it!