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One other thing I experienced early on was the irrational (but apparently common) belief that if I refused to accept cancer and the changes it brought to my life, there was somehow still a magical chance that things might go back to the way they were. I never would have articulated it this way, and would have agreed that it was dysfunctional (and absurd) if anyone asked me, but still, it was there.
What I was really doing was refusing myself permission to learn to love my new life — after all, time doesn't have a reverse gear — but I'm not beating myself up for it, because I think I had to go through that then to get to where I am now (loving my life exactly as it is).
Acceptance means making peace with change and uncertainty, not giving up hope.
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I read that as a G7 I could go up to five years without symptoms if I chose no treatment, and that was my plan until several family members BEGGED and cried for me to try some kind of treatment, so I reluctantly agreed, but I had no idea treatment would be this awful and painful so part of the reason I avoid them now is anger. My original plan was to just take the five years (or whatever it was) and then do medical assistance in dying (legal in my U.S. state) if/when it became painful.
Now I'm told I could live 10-15 or more years but I can't imagine feeling this way for that long. All kinds of physical and mental problems I NEVER had before starting ADT. The joint pain is the worst but doctors in the U.S. no longer care about or treat pain in any meaningful way and I have a bleeding disorder so can't use Aleve or Ibuprofen (Tylenol is useless) and I'm too old to know a drug dealer to buy pain meds from (only half kidding). I tried THC gummies and they work but I'm not a huge fan of being high.
Still, I suppose somewhere in me is a shred of hope because I keep going to the gym to do resistance training and taking my dog for 5 mile walks. I think the best way to describe how I feel right now is like a birdcage but the door opened and the bird flew away and now there's just the empty cage.