I want to continue my story.

It is the day after my surgery in Vienna and the nodule is gone. Doctor said it was really easy opetation, done with VATS. It took them less than hour and I was able to walk independently the same day.

The minutes before they pushed me to the operating theatre I was having serious second thoughts about the whole thing: Is this really smart thing go do, is this a good idea? I still had those feelings when I woke up in the operating theatre. Rest of the day I spent in the twilight: I was feeling really sleepy, couldnt keep eyes open but I couldn't fall asleep either. Surgery was at 3pm and I couldn't sleep again until 2 am for 3 hours.

But now that I'm awake I'm glad I went through it. I have no regrets having it done sooner rather than later, although I'm sad I had to cut my honeymoon short. But at least now I'm married. I love my wife. She was so understanding and encouraging despite all. She could see how I can't properly enjoy my life while the nodule is in my chest and in my mind.

The chest pain is gone. Sure, when I breathe in quickly and deep, it hurts a bit. And the drain in my chest hurts like any other small wound would. But that burning, squeezing and glass shard like pain is gone from my chest. So is the shoulder pain. Maybe the pain was psychological like the finnish doctors said, or maybe it was real like I said. What matters is that its gone.

I was never afraid of the surgery. I got operated on by the best thoraic surgeon in whole Austria, same person who performed the first lung transplant here. He is retired but my brother told me that people like him can never truly retire, because it is their passion.

What I am afraid however, is what comes next. Nobody still knows what they exactly removed. Nobody knows for certain what they actually removed in 2022, since the histopathology was so unclear and frankly chaotic. Nobody knows yet if my CEA values are affected by this surgery or not. Nobody knows if this nodule was metastasis, primary or secondary or something benign even.

Large part of me doesnt even want to know. I understand now what they mean by overdiagnosis and overtreatment. Big part of me wants to settle with this, and if I end up dying from it, so be it as I would rather die not knowing about it than looking at the slowly approaching black hole.

Equally large part of me wants to expend all possible resources to figure out what this is, continue monitoring and immediately react to anything they find.

I sort of have all feelings on at the same time: Joy and happiness of marriage, relief of surgery and the gratitude for expertise of the staff, gratitude for the opportunity, pride that I have taken things into my own hands, disappointment and resentment towards Finnish healthcare system, being betrayed by the system by giving the impression of individual level treatment, anger towards the taxes and in general how ineffective and nonflexible everything is, fear what will come next, dread that my decision was incorrect, hope that my path is correct and nothing more will come up.

Theres much more, but it really is like that. Literally whole spectrum of emotions all on at the same time. And in the center of ir all its neutral, like eye of the storm.

My wife told me that I need to separate the rational and irrational. That I must be analytical and keep emotions out of it. I think she is right. I love you.

Time will tell what comes next. I hope it is good.