Hello @kate123. I am sorry for your health travails. It is not an easy road you are on. My wife did not have the same cancer as yours, but she had brain cancer. After her surgery to remove as much of her tumor as was possible (on an emergency basis) she too was caught between the feelings you describe. By the way, I was her primary caregiver for her during her 14 year cancer journey so these words and views are from me.

During many of our talks over the years she would frequently tell me, although many well-meaning folks would tell her to 'ignore your cancer and just live your life', she was not able to do that. She always knew it was there, but chose to have as her mantra 'today I will try to do what it is I want to do today, in spite of my condition'. She said this gave her strength and 'permission' to feel however she felt about her cancer that day. Naturally, as you know, it was a roller coaster, but she said this mantra and view helped her each and every day.

As a caregiver I understand I am on the outside of this, but I can say I realized one thing in that time, A person's cancer journey is a very individual one. No two people are effected the same, respond the same, make the same decisions, nor handle it the same and that is A-OK! Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are yours. Listen to them, react to them, and know what ever it is you are feeling that day is OK.

Peace,
Scott