I began this post almost two years ago, because I felt like a little truth-telling would be good for me. People around me were acting like life was moving on (and on one hand, I was so glad for not being thought of as the woman with breast cancer), and yet I was still feeling so many emotions on the inside. I wanted my emotional equilibrium back (now, wondering what that ever looked like in the first place?), and I wasn't sure if it would ever return.

I am just over four years cancer free from TNBC. While my body looks normal on the outside, I am left with being physically "high maintenance" as my adult children call it. I can't take a lot of medications and I react to almost everything. We call me the "canary" in the mine. . .you know, when miners used to take a canary into the mines to make sure it was safe for them to be there (or to get out when the canary died)? The light-heartedness can help me adjust to my new normal, but then, at times, I can get a little weary of being the canary.

I've learned there are women who more seemingly move through this aftermath of breast cancer, and there are those who feel like they just do not recover. The jury is still out for me. For the most part, I have reentered my life, adjusted to the new normal, and dive in. I have fourteen grandchildren (almost fifteen), own my own business, and have a wonderful husband. I'm guessing, no one would ever know I still struggle emotionally from looking at me from the outside. Thing is, though, that my emotional topsy-turvy has me reacting to things differently than before. and I yearn for more stability in those emotions. I've seen a wonderful Christian psychologist a handful of times, but I left the office before my last scheduled appointment began. . . I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I leveled with my medical provider about being down for the past two years, and she gave me a pep talk to exercise. . "It's summer!" and then walked off and waved saying (cheerfully, I might add), "Have a good day!" Um. . . let's just forget I had that experience. . . it's almost laughable, in fact, it is. Oh good grief. I have a master's in therapy and counseling. . . . I told myself that my provider did not and moved on.

There are times I grieve my old self - both physically and emotionally. . . my natural breasts are gone, along with all the sensation. Numbness replaced all that. My uterus and the remaining parts are all gone, too, due to a second cancer diagnosis after TNBC. Things are not the same as before, but I tell myself it's okay. There are just some days I don't fully receive that truth. And to that point of my provider with "go exercise! :D!" - it's not a lack of motivation, but it's deep aching on the inside that can sometimes stifle that highly driven woman I used to be. The new woman on the inside is tired, often. That can be hard to explain to another person. . . and then, the road is primed for guilt, shame, and sadness to follow because I find myself overweight and out of shape. But the good news is that I continue to TRY.

Our journeys are so individual . . . there is no real "right" or "wrong" way to do them. I think one of the best ways to help myself continue to learn how to walk this new journey is to give myself grace and time. Invest in the now. Give myself permission to have those times when things don't go as well as I'd hoped, or I didn't respond in the way I wanted to. Realize my emotional buttons are still a little more pronounced, and it doesn't take a lot to push them. Just BE OKAY, and let that be enough. I believe with my whole heart that God makes things beautiful in His timing . . . and daily, I learn to look to practice thankfulness and pray for my heart to heal from the trauma I experienced. And with time, I think it has. . .no, I know it has, and it continues to. Take a deep breath in and out. And then let God take the rest of it. I want my life to honor Him, and I want to honor those around me. Sometimes, that looks a little haphazard, I know, but if I want to be honest, things looked a little haphazard before BC. It's just now I understand more fully the value of this life and wanting to get it "right" more often than not. In the end, it is just about living life fully, and being okay in that fullness - whatever it now looks like.

My heart walks with all of you who have experienced this breast cancer journey. I'm trusting God to make something beautiful out of it for all of us. hugs 'n blessings to you all.