Early in my BC fight, I was completely stressed out. I am a control freak by nature, and nothing about breast cancer felt like it was in my control. My fight/flight response was in overdrive. I didn't know how to turn it off, and maybe during that time it needed to be running on full-throttle to get me through it.

But it continued on after my last surgery when things were supposed to be behind me. I felt depressed, perhaps experiencing the loss of my old, intact self. People found it difficult to be around me, and it made me angry because I felt like they should understand what I was going through - now I realize they don't and probably never will unless they go through it themselves. My fuse was very short. I yelled at people, cried, withdrew. I obsessed about understanding what I need to eat, drink, do, not do - looking for what I did wrong - scouring medical journals, articles and even this group for answers. I worked briefly with a therapist and started journaling. Then one day recently it hit me. I'm wasting a lot of time and energy on things I can't control and can't change. I need to focus on what I can.

I have decided to live. Making a concerted effort to move forward and stop looking back. Do the best I can to be healthy and then [try to] stop worrying about everything else. Take care of me instead of everyone around me. Do things that bring me joy. Practice saying no. Control what I can control and let the rest go.

I am little overweight and need to strength train, so I joined an over 50 exercise group on Facebook and started exercising because that always brings me back to center. Started mediating and trying to focus on gratitude. Working on eating a healthy diet (but not stress about an indulgence here or there), drinking more water, and getting better sleep. Communicating what I need. Finding ways to manage my stress level and emotional responses to triggering events. (Walks in nature help with that.) Joining this group as been a blessing because I no longer feel like I'm alone in these feelings, and that has been a game changer for me.

I appreciate all of you and hold you all in my heart. Be well. Take care of you.