35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick
1. “I need you to listen to me.”
This is a basic need you should have met during any conversation, even one with a narcissist. Since narcissists “tend to have little to no empathy for fellow humans,” as Mahler puts it, the narcissist likely won’t be turning a listening ear your way and could use some reminding.
2. “Please stop interrupting me.”
Scigliano says that trying to have a rational conversation with a narcissist or reasoning with them is unrealistic, so you can wholeheartedly expect interruptions throughout your conversation. You’ll need to ask them to stop interrupting you.
3. “I am not comfortable with how you’re speaking to me.”
While a narcissist will say demeaning things to you, it’s also all about how they’re delivering those words. If they raise their voice and start having an angry tone, you can say that you’re not comfortable with how they’re speaking to you.
4. “I need you to not yell.”
For this phrase, Scigliano says that you want to keep in mind that your goal needs to be de-escalating the narcissist rather than risking the narcissist becoming further enraged. Although it may be impossible, try to get the narcissist to calm down and lower their voice.
5. “I am on your side.”
This phrase edges toward kindness, but if you really are on the narcissist’s side and genuinely want good things for them, say it. At the very least, a hint of kindness will catch the narcissist off-guard.
6. “I need you to stop.”
When attempting to communicate with a narcissist, it’s best to keep phrases short and to the point. Scigliano says that instead of being more open, you need to be more emotionally closed off from the narcissist. “Instead of sharing their feelings, they need to focus only on objective facts,” she says. One of these objective phrases that may put an end to a heated conversation is, “I need you to stop.”
7. “If you don’t stop, I’m going to walk away.”
And do just that. Scigliano says that ultimately, establishing boundaries and sticking to them is the most effective way to handle confrontations in the moment as well as avoid future ones.
8. “We can talk again when you can speak kindly to me.”
Since narcissism can cause a great deal of dysfunction in relationships, kindness may not something you come across very often. But you can remind the person to find it in themselves to speak kindly to you, especially if you’re a spouse or close friend.
9. “No.”
It’s as simple as that. “No” is a complete sentence, and it can immediately establish a clear boundary. It doesn’t go into detail. It doesn’t open you up for additional critical words. It’s the opposite of being vulnerable.
“Avoid making yourself emotionally vulnerable, because the narcissist will often take advantage of your vulnerability, now or sometime in the future,” Scigliano says.