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When you truly, honestly hate yourself
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: 2 days ago | Replies (61)Comment receiving replies
I relate. I have dealt with the knowledge of how shty of a person I am and how much I despise my very existence for over 50 years. I wish I could write it all down but there's not enough time in the day, nor do I want to be a complainer, more than. I already am. I will just say this..I have done all kinds if therapy, medications, and such and nothing has changed. The only thing (I believe) meds do is mask the REAL me..the POS that my parents thought about aborting. They knew that I was a mistake. People will say God doesn't make mistakes...that may be true, but He didn't create me, He created Adam and Eve and then gave them the ability to procreate and multiply without any interference, thereby allowing everyone after them to make the mistake. I am not suicidal as I am to chicken and don't want to hurt my kids and ex wife, but I feel like I'm already hurting them. I can't stand anything about me. I have taken mirrors down around the house, fixed my car mirror so I can't see my disgusting face, avoid any and all pictures that have me in them. I sympathize with you...
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I wrote this to the original person who posted, but maybe it applies to you as well?
I have counseled ex-cons, including folks who have taken life. I have found hope for them and that definitely means there is hope for you.
By the way, one of the things I found among ex-cons, is that they all seem to have a horrible self-image. And I think that is not caused by their criminal activities, but was the CAUSE of their criminal activities. Feeling horrible about themselves was a major factor in them starting to engage with criminal behavior.
And I was able to find humanity in those guys. And if it exists in them, it also exists in you. And there is hope. There is always hope.
Maybe not in some simplistic Hallmark Card kind of way, but maybe there is some way.
I guess you have tried various things and they failed.
What I would suggest is that you re-visit the basic things that folks do - therapy, Yoga, meditation...and just keep slowly working "the program."
See if there is something you missed. Take your time.
Sometimes, the things that we try do work, but at a much slower pace that we are accommodated to. As far as meditation goes...it really takes up to three years just to get a decent start.
Also, a very simple therapy for hating yourself, is to just get out there and do volunteer work for others.
If nothing else, getting absorbed in helping others, keeps our mind from our own problems and thinking about ourselves.
I have done reading for the blind, worked in a food bank, other things.
I always feel better after doing a session of that.
And, of course check and review, re basic medical problems, physical problems. You might have some kind of medical problem going on that is messing with your brain chemistry or other issues.
In 1982 I was kidnapped and held for a time. Needless to say, I have enormous problems from that experience.
And very very bad insomnia. And I can say this, any time I sleep longer or better, I just feel better. So clearly, some medical problems are putting pressure on how I think and feel.
very sorry about the difficultites
take care now