I wrote this to the original person who posted, but maybe it applies to you as well?

I have counseled ex-cons, including folks who have taken life. I have found hope for them and that definitely means there is hope for you.

By the way, one of the things I found among ex-cons, is that they all seem to have a horrible self-image. And I think that is not caused by their criminal activities, but was the CAUSE of their criminal activities. Feeling horrible about themselves was a major factor in them starting to engage with criminal behavior.

And I was able to find humanity in those guys. And if it exists in them, it also exists in you. And there is hope. There is always hope.

Maybe not in some simplistic Hallmark Card kind of way, but maybe there is some way.

I guess you have tried various things and they failed.

What I would suggest is that you re-visit the basic things that folks do - therapy, Yoga, meditation...and just keep slowly working "the program."

See if there is something you missed. Take your time.

Sometimes, the things that we try do work, but at a much slower pace that we are accommodated to. As far as meditation goes...it really takes up to three years just to get a decent start.

Also, a very simple therapy for hating yourself, is to just get out there and do volunteer work for others.

If nothing else, getting absorbed in helping others, keeps our mind from our own problems and thinking about ourselves.

I have done reading for the blind, worked in a food bank, other things.

I always feel better after doing a session of that.

And, of course check and review, re basic medical problems, physical problems. You might have some kind of medical problem going on that is messing with your brain chemistry or other issues.

In 1982 I was kidnapped and held for a time. Needless to say, I have enormous problems from that experience.

And very very bad insomnia. And I can say this, any time I sleep longer or better, I just feel better. So clearly, some medical problems are putting pressure on how I think and feel.

very sorry about the difficultites
take care now

Dear Fellow Human,

Your agony is writ large in these lines...I am not sure how many have read your post not felt stunned or paralyzed, by the hurt that drips from your every line. Your starting line can freeze many of us -- as it did to me.

But it also made me look for What Can Be Done.
So I've scanned through some five dozen pages on Google reading in detail a few that are credible. They also say some of the same things other sources have said. And one of them is that childhood trauma (emotional and or physical abuse) that they endured by "learning" to explain Why they are bad as others around them Think they are. Accepting others' opinion of yourself we begin to explain with 'clever' phrases like Because we are "shty" ... even though on a second thought (if we get to it) we know we are just Repeating what have been said about us.

Soon it grows. We even begin to "explain" that the Creator, the God, whatever your belief system is, is also Agreeing with your negative assessment of yourself.

And Yet, did you notice you already told us to Show Us, the Mayo readers: "I am not suicidal as I am to chicken and don't want to hurt my kids and ex wife, but I feel like I'm already hurting them." You may never know how many it brought tears into their eyes, feeling helpless what to offer to you... even as it was a Clear sign of YOUR being Human and Your Caring Decision for Others. Don't YOU see that you are showing us -- and Yourself Without Realizing -- that You Are Capable of Being a Good Person?

Indeed this is what the readings I did today tells me. The Self-Haters are unable to see what Goodness Exists in them because they Constantly bombard themselves with self-loathing labels and false explanations, leaving no space for helpful alternative opinions, their own or others.

So since you say you have tried therapies and meds without any positive results, how about becoming your Own Therapist?
Let's start with simple steps -- by Questioning Every Label you give yourself. After all every claim, every idea, is only as good, as true as it can be Proven. And if You can't prove it to be true, can you be at least open enough to Accept, "well I cannot prove I am [put each one of those labels] so I will accept For Now that I am 'Not Sure' if I'm blah blah blahs.

I'd be looking forward to your next (baby) steps.

Here's one source I found credible:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-self-loathing#google_vignette