I am so sorry marjou. I can't imagine this. I am praying for the healing of your mind & heart in this. Grief takes time and everyone grieves differently....your grief is hard in the way her death was presented to you and the family situation.

Oh how we all just need to be loved in this world that has so much tension.

I would hug you if I was near to you and pray with you.

I lean hard on my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and He has always gotten me through the hardest of time. Bless you.

I am so very sorry to hear this. From my own experience, there are some free support systems out there. When I was widowed I attended a grief group built on a 12-step model. That was with Life Center for Attitudinal Healing which may no longer exist. But there are other 12-step groups that might really help even if the issue isn't alcohol. Codependency groups can help with toxic families, and are free and supportive--and can also be found on zoom. Funeral parlors often have grief counseling and groups that are open. And there might be a community health center or medical center locally that has low-cost counseling. A place of worship might also be a good source. You could discuss with a clergy person and see what is available community-wise, or maybe some individual counseling if you are in a congregation. Of course use your own judgement to vet these, and only do what you are comfortable with. I'm guessing it would help to talk, and be around other people who are bereaved in some way. Let me know what you find out, and thinking of you.