Since I was six years old, I've awakened anxious and deeply depressed. So much so that I've wanted my life to be over every day for the sixty years that I can remember. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and treatment-resistant was added a few years ago. The horrible feelings have never really left me, even during my best life.

About a year ago, I came to believe that the numerous medications I was taking were at least part of the problem. After titrating too fast and ending up in the hospital in January, my provider and I started over. I am once again down to three meds at much lower levels from seven in June of last year.

My mind has cleared, and I have been able to identify the source of the suicidal feelings I've had for so long. I experienced a great deal of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse when I was a child. I thought I had moved past this. But medicating a problem is not the same as working through and making peace with the trauma.

As the medications have decreased and I have not added any additional distractions, my feelings are hitting me like a tidal wave. With my therapist's help, I am working through the effects of the horrible things that happened to me. I have hope for the first time.

Every time I pick at the scab and address the wound, I feel a little lighter. My morning suffering is decreasing. It hurts like hell, and I still want to die most mornings, but I feel for the first time I might be able to heal.

For me, anxiety and dreed come in two flavors: organic (trauma-induced) and inorganic (medication-induced). Organic responds to a low dose of .25 Lorzapam; inorganic does not.

For me, I have come to believe that suffering from anxiety and dread is what makes me want to kill myself. Oddly, I have anxiety about having anxiety. The root cause of organic anxiety, again, for me, is unresolved trauma.

The brain and body remember even if I try not to.

May you live in good health and peace all the days of your life.