How to Manage My Husband and Son

@foreverfaithful0925 and @healedme,

Foreverfaithful0925:
Welcome to Connect, as a new member there is short delay before you can message or add links. This is to prevent scammers.

I think I found article you were referencing and added link:
https://www.cancervic.org.au/cancer-information/children-teens-and-young-adults/talking-to-kids-about-cancer/overview.html
Thanks for sharing.

My own sons Dad died when he was 5. I'm sure you know what it feels like when it's just you, and you know that you are all they've got. I have ILC and am going in for a Masectomy 6/14. He's in his 30's and there are times that I have to remind him that nothing is being done to HIM, I have the cancer. I deal by only answering questions that are asked and I answer them vaguely. Thank God I remarried and have my husband to rely on. We have to remember that this is a time when we HAVE to take care of ourselves, everyone else has to wait, period. I know that it feels selfish, it's not, it's self preservation. I wish you the absolute best.

I was extremely fortunate to have a large support system when I was diagnosed in November 2022. While my husband isn't very open about his affection or hovers over me to "help" at the first sign of struggle, I know that he is there for me emotionally. I utilized that support system for occasional rides and meals, more for giving the gift of giving to those that asked how they could help rather than my need. Remember when we say no to a request to help we are rejecting a gift and possibly a blessing that we are meant to receive.

I also want to share how I felt when I was left out of the loop when I wasn't told of my dad's hospitalization. I was 29 years old wife with a 5 year old son living in CT. I had accepted a volunteer position that required that I travel to a conference in Colorado, which meant I was missing my son's first day of school . During my time away there was a day that I was an emotional train wreck, barely holding it together. I fly home a few days later and receive a phone call from my dad saying that he has been in the hospital much of the time that I was away. My parents made the decision to withhold the fact that he was going to be hospitalized from me. They rationalized that I might not go had I known. As it turned out, the day that I was upset was the day that my sister, in VA and APRN at the time (now MD), had called them to share that she thought he had idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (which my uncle, my dad's brother died of). It isn't breast cancer but it was terminal. I felt (and feel) betrayed and hurt. I was an adult and wasn't allowed to have a say in what I would do. Your son is younger than I was but an open and honest conversation with him is appropriate. I encourage you to share you need, desire and hopes for his life.

While being newly diagnosed with breast cancer sends us reeling, we need to be patient and get our prognosis and treatment plan before going to far down the dark and lonely path of the unknown. My prayers are with you and your family as you navigate this journey you have been thrusted into.

thank you for that . it's a good reminder ! most of my battle has been allaying everyone's fears ! the mastectomy was so easy . the thought of it was enough to turn your stomach , thought i'd be freaked out at the outcome , but no . didn't really worry me , it wasn't the big shock i thought it would be . . it was like well that's done then , thats over , that's great . the scar was neat line , and healed from day one , really well . no pain . i will get the good one done also , as be easier and i had big breasts . and loved low cut dresses . i wasn't repulsed by the look , like i thought i would be .as i was quite vain about my looks . it was surprising , it looks "normal " to me . bit like a battle scar . everything i thought was the opposite . . but i'm older woman , so be so much harder if your young and with a partner .

sending you all the best wishes possible , youv got this ! xox

I have a son and a husband. My son is my only child and his 1st response when I told him I had breast cancer was, "Do you need me to come home?" He lives in Florida and was willing to give up his career and return home. I told him to stay there and was prayerful that he could proceed with his day-to-day. I told him he was to continue to focus on him and his life and health. I had a previous surgery where my husband was not a present and/or consistent in his attention and attending to me in the way at which I required. I was so mad at him but at the time, he was opening a mental health clinic.

However, when I relayed I had breast cancer he said, "Let's fix it! Let's find out what needs to be done, and move forward." I was mad at this response because I thought just like a man to say that! I felt is was not a quick fix! Then I had to give him some grace. His mother and sister both succumb to cancer. He shocked me and has been to 90% of my appointments with me. He made adjustments in his schedule. He even records the visits. I stopped doing everything, I mean everything, that he was so used to me doing because it is now my time to get taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else. If I am not well...my household is not well and it is for my supporters to do what is needed so that I can resume to normal activities of life.

Initially, I prayed for God to send people in my life to help me mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Guess what? God answered prayers! I had an abundance of family and friends pour into me during my surgery and treatment. They brought food, things such as color by number books, journals, and other things to keep me occupied during my time of recovery. My best friend ordered weekly meals from a meal prep service for 4 weeks after my double mastectomy. I thought positive and never about "what will I do" but "what I need God to do and provide". It all fell right into place.

You are a lucky woman your husband stepped up to the plate . Your son was Also amazing

I have always been the independent, self sufficient type of person and the idea of asking my family or friends for help after my diagnosis was not an option....or so I thought. My husband took me to every appt (he used sick days) & took 1 week of vacation after my surgery. It was my friends who stepped up -- and when I said no one friend told me - you'd be the first person to help wherever needed right? I said yes... and how did you feel .. I answered I was happy I was able to do anything to help... she replied so why don't you let your family & friends feel the same way.... the help I received from meals, one of my daughters came to stay 3 weeks after surgery, my other daughter wasn't able too but thankful for zoom/messenger as we could see each other & she could ask questions & lend support, my sister came too and my friends not only lending support but setting up a meal train to provide meals for weeks after surgery & radiation - I was overwhelmed by the unconditional help,
love & support they all have to me, but also so thankful for all they did! So please ask for help... your friends & family will surprise you! If your husband can't take any time to take you to appts I would encourage you to take someone as a 2nd pair of ears as you'll be receiving so much info it can be overwhelming. My husband took notes... which were so useful later. Asking for help will also give your son peace that you're getting support until he's able to get home whether for weekends or breaks (not sure how far his school is from you). I and I speak only for me, would not want my daughters to put their lives on hold to take care of me (of course circumstances would dictate). It gave them peace to know my friends were there to help. Again I know everyone's family situations are different. I hope your treatment goes well! Take care!💜

My family came with me to team or informational meetings but I mostly drove myself 1-1/2 hours to follow up appointments like MRIs. I also drove myself for most radiation appointments. My husband came with me for surgery prior to radiation. I was in a clinical trial so I had extra MRI's, blood tests and oncology appointments. I was fortunate that I did not need chemo. It was basically 6 months of a trial drug, surgery and radiation, now meds to prevent reoccurance.

@foreverfaithful0925, I noticed that you wished to post a URL to an article with your post. You will be able to add URLs to your posts in a few days. There is a brief period where new members can't post links. We do this to deter spammers and keep the community safe.

Allow me to post it for you:
- Talking to Kids About Cancer https://www.cancervic.org.au/downloads/resources/booklets/talking-to-kids-about-cancer/Talking-to-Kids-About-Cancer.pdf

You may also be interested in this related discussion:
- Family dynamics challenging when a parent has cancer: Want to connect
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/group-focused-on-families-and-parent-with-cancer/