How to Manage My Husband and Son

@healedme

Welcome to mayo Connect, you are at right place to ask questions.

This next year is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. First, do you know your treatment plan yet? Are you planning for things that may or may not happen. I wanted to know everything immediately, but had to slow down. I did not have full idea of my long range treatment plan till weeks after diagnose. I had genetic testing done before any final decision was made. Depending on results it may of changed my treatment plan. Then it was one step at time, I did 6 months neoadjuvant chemotherapy before surgery, then surgery., lumpectomy to remove tumor and two lymph nodes. Then the providers met to decide if radiation or chemo was next. In my case, did chemo then radiation. I hade stage 2.

I live by myself, was in early 60s at time and did 90% of treatments alone. It would of been different if I required a mastectomy. I was an outpatient for surgery, my sister took day off work to take me home from hospital and I was fine by myself. Drove to all provider, chemo and radiation appts alone. Most friends did not live close and family members were working. Except last radiation treatment when nieces came to 'ring the bell" indicating end of radiation. Would it been nice to have someone with, yes. But doable alone. Radiation appts are quick and it is not like anyone can go in room with you.

I will admit I was sometime jealous of patients who had groups with them in matching t-shirts. But they mostly just sat in waiting rooms and were not part of appts. I enjoyed my quiet time and people watching. If I had bunch people with me, my anxiety would of been terrible. Maybe I am exception and some people need more support. It is all going to depend on treatment plan.

Tell you son you would be more anxious and worried if he missed his first year of college. He is only a flight or drive away.

Do you have surgeon and oncologist appoints scheduled?

Choose what is most comfortable for you. And then pick some reassuring phrases for your son, and a plan for how he can help even from afar. It sounds like the most calming and helpful thing your son can do for you is to go take classes at college. Tell him that. If having him stay at home makes you anxious, share that with him. He’s not going to think you stopped loving him - most older teens appreciate honesty. Give him some things he CAN do for you: video calls once a week, text you one photo a day from college and you reciprocate, be home for the holidays to help with traditions that you might not be able to do, have him forward on your progress to family, other? If he sees that you can stayed connected, that he’ll know how you’re doing, it might be easier for him to leave.

That first fall semester is fairly short - see if he will go for fall and then assess how you’re doing, he could always stay home for spring semester. Chances are you’ll be handling things okay by mid-January and he can go back to college. In the beginning there isn’t a lot for him to do for you - tell him you may need him more later. Better to get college started, and next summer be there for you.

All my cancer doctors allowed me to audio record my visits. Even though my husband was with me, I thought we might forget, or worse - each of us think we heard something different and argue over it! I walked into those visits having researched so much, I pretty much knew what the options might be. Just wasn’t sure which one they would pick. Sounds like you also have a good idea of what’s coming. I think the hardest thing, and the time we need the most support, is after the initial treatment, when there is still cancer there and treatment is more extensive, or mid-way through chemo and the going is tough.

Your husband saw what it took to get your family through the cancer process and may be thinks he can’t do what you did. Prostate cancer can also be very scary for men. I hope you will ask him for some engagement, he needs it even if you don’t. Maybe set aside one hour every weekend to review the latest news, current and planned treatment. It’s not too much to ask - and he will probably feel better about himself if he at least kept up with the plans/dates/expected side effects. It’s also an opportunity if you need more assistance that upcoming week you can talk with him about it.

I'm Stage 0 DCIS - thank GOD for early detection. I formally meet with a breast surgeon next week, but I have done quite a bit of research and spoke with a former colleague who is a breast surgeon. I'm hopeful to avoid chemo.

Thanks for affirm my deep rooted introvert!

I wanted to add that i always went to my appointments by myself. IT was the tail end of Covid in July of 2021 and visitors were not allowed in till 2022. The only time i ask for help was a ride for my 3 surgeries and a ride home. I asked for a retired nurse friend to attending my appointment with radiology. She sat in the waiting room. I got to come out and introduce her to the Radiology oncologist. The Dr. had just reviewed by case my chemo done my breast and tumor removal and he said radiation would only improve my chances by 2%. Side effects may cause more damage. If I was family, he said he would suggest they not do it. I comfortably declined it. All my alone visits were my checkups, my chemo infusions and my Herceptin/Perjeta infusions. My chemo infusion did not affect me until 2 days after.
It is easily a personal choice. For me, I loved taking with every RN who was assisting me, answering the various questions I had. So many had wise and honest things to share with many RNs having worked in oncology for many years. I have heard people ask Drs if they can tape the visits, so they can review what was said. For me, i used the notes app on my phone each time to note anything that was said. If I still felt i needed more info, I asked my questions in the portal. As to your husband, one can never know how a diagnosis affects the spouse until it happens. I hope you are able to talk about that with him.
Maybe go with someone for your 1st treatment until you know you are ok. I usually took 30 minutes or so before i drove away to make sure i felt ok.

You are really grounded and your husband is in shock. He'll be your rock and your son may delay college. You could handle this alone, but you won't need to. Wishing you a gentle journey.

i went to all chemo ,treatments , 6 months , on my own . i couldn't deal with being there for my son or his emotions . his father had died from cancer when he was nine . so for me to get it was his first nightmare even tho he was 30 . i had to be strong for him, as he was suffering so much . i always looked good, makeup hair etc when i saw him, always up beat . the hardest thing about it all was telling him . my worst fear was his reaction . i could deal with my problem but not his suffering , he was devastated . . i came to enjoy my time getting chemo as it was all about me and getting care . and being the one looked after . today 7 months on , after mastectomy and radiation , i feel exhausted . but strong . it's surprising what the body and mind can go thru. the thought of it is ten times worse .
my son is still on watch but iv normalised it as much as i can , unfortunately it's part of their life now and you can't change that . no matter what you do . but know they are as resilient as you ! and it will soon be in your past ! and his .

I live alone. I had two surgeries in January of 2020. Both my sister and partner were there for that and I spent the night(s) after surgery with my partner. My partner made it to a few consult visits, maybe half. He came to the first chemo appointment March 2nd 2020, but once covid ramped up he stayed away for my safety (he was a grocery store worker). He and my sister ran most of my errands, but I did the majority of my appointments by myself. I honestly preferred it that way. Most of the time I was happy to be alone. I got to deal with everything the way I felt most comfortable, but they were always available at the other end of the phone. Just knowing they were there for ANYTHING ANYTIME was really all I needed. I was alone, but didn't feel alone. I can say for myself that the anticipation of what was to come was worse than what actually happened. The emotional support is the most important. Everything else is gravy. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed with stage 4 two years ago and my hospital is a two hour car journey away. My husband drives me mostly to appointments but I also go on my own, just not telling anyone. I need that for my independence. If my husband only drove me the odd time, that would be ok as well. I like taking the opportunity to have a coffee, browse in bookshops, just do ‘me’ things. I think all the advice you got re your son is great: tell him it would cause greater stress to know he isn’t going to college. He has his life, you have yours. Symbiosis needs to evolve into independence. Yes, sure, disappointing if the husband already feels stressed. All the more reason to enjoy your own power and independence. As you have witnessed before, it isn’t that hard, just time consuming so better think of special treats in conjunction to hospital visits for yourself than have someone unsuitable or too worried tagging along.

We are on the same boat. I have 2 younger kids, 12 and 7.
When I got diagnosed with DCIS stage 0 last week, the first thing I told my husband was - if it weren’t for the kids, it would have been easier. I think as parents we worry about them so much. I still have no idea how to tell them, for now my only plan is to let them know when I have more news after I talk to the surgeon next week. How, I’m still torn. I came across a website (it won’t let me add the link here for some reason but cancervic.org.au and they have a pdf about talking to kids about cancer)
Hoping for the best for you. Stay strong.

I am so sorry for your conflicts. Regarding your questions, I would tell your son, and impress upon him how very much you want him to go to college. Ensure him that you will call him if you need him to accompany you on a particular visit or a week (if the college is nearby). Sorry about your quandary re hubby but only you will know the best way to deal with that problem. PLEASE reach out to someone when you feel the need. People are kind & helping others makes them feel good & is good for their soul.