Thank you so much for sharing all your information. I live in a rural mountain area and unfortunately, we have significant problems with doctors and medical care here. There are only 2 oncologists here and I’ve tried both and had what I consider pretty big issues. Each time someone tells their cancer story, I feel like they were told all these details about their type of cancer that I wasn’t told at all. I’m going to our nearest city’s cancer center at the end of June and I’m going to ask lots of questions.

I think it’s always a concern to mention side effects because each of us is so different. One of us will have issues while another person won’t at all. But for me, I have quite a bit of fatigue and I’m guessing it’s from the Avastin. I kept telling my oncologist that I felt like I wasn’t getting back on my feet after chemo and I’d get a shoulder shrug. After joining a cancer support group and talking to other people on Avastin, I’m the one associating the fatigue to Avastin. But I am getting better. I couldn’t even stand in my kitchen and do things like make chocolate chip cookies or make a good meal that involves cutting up veggies to stir-fry, but now I’m doing that. I finally got out in my garden to start dealing with the weeds! I can take short walks/hikes as long as there are places to sit and take breaks.

I’m having to learn to be kind to myself. I was a special ed. teacher, gardener, hiker, and a very busy lady. When all of a sudden that comes to a screeching halt, for me “judgements” about myself came into play. I’m working on developing more acceptance of how things are each day, including my too messy house.

It must be so hard to be struggling with the joy of being cancer free but also the huge loss of your general well-being and the issues caused by its treatment. I’m sure you’ve seen Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. My husband was disabled and used a wheelchair. In the disabled community, they talk about how when someone becomes newly disabled, they go through those same stages until they can finally reach acceptance. We have to mourn the loss of who we used to be, but also hope that in our cases, there’s “light” and physical improvement in our journey.

I watched an instagram video by this guy who had gotten a rescue dog, a black lab. He had taken it to the beach and it was dashing through the waves, jumping in the air, and absolutely ecstatic. The guy had added this soundtrack that joyfully shouted, “I’m alive! I’m alive!” When I saw it, I thought, “I need to figure out how to bring that joy of still being alive into my life.”