I used alcohol and drugs to avoid feelings I had experienced my whole life.

Trauma, whatever the source alters how the brain works. I have lived in a state of “ fight or flight” my whole life.

Eventually this became my default setting. I wake up every morning anxious and wanting to die.

Alcohol and drugs numbed these feelings but never addressed the causes. Worse they further altered my brain. When I stopped using them the feelings came back worse.

I was the diagnosed with major depressive disorder and put on very high levels of psychiatric medications. The psyche meds blunted my feelings but never addressed the root cause. The suicidal depression never lifted but my life crumbled under the side effects.

I am now on my second titration and the feelings I’ve had my whole life are coming back again. This time I know where they are coming from and I am slowly dealing with them and finally healing, I think.

Trauma, all feelings for that matter change the way the brain functions. Adaptation to the trauma can be negative, reinforcing the feelings originating from the trauma.

Drugs, alcohol and medications can deaden these feelings but they do not heal the trauma. The brain has to heal itself by forming new neuropath ways.

So far the only way I have found to do this is psychotherapy along with changes to how I live my life. Medications can make this process more tolerable but I’ve yet to find any other way and I am sixty.

My doctors are sending me for TMS in the hope that it might speed the process along, they call it enhancing neural plasticity, in the hope that it will help my brain heal itself.

Something lead you to binge drink. You have been able to address it by numbing your feelings. Now you are experiencing those feelings along with alcohol withdrawal, which is terrible all by itself.

In my opinion you’d be well served by a therapist that can help you work through why you needed to numb your feelings and a psychiatrist who isn’t going to try to make your feelings go away with medication, rather will use the least amount of medication you need to get through withdrawal and your awakening.

If you numb your feelings with psychiatric medications you’ll never get to the root cause of your suffering. Worse, you be chasing side effect demons like they are the issue, mean while you will continue to suffer.

This is my experience. I’ve been dealing with the effects of suicidal depression for fifty four years. I’m am just now starting to heal.

None of this is easy. But I can tell you that I am beginning to feel the lead weight of depression and anxiety starting to lift. I have hope for the first time in a very long time.

I wish for you that you’re suffering not be as long and destructive as mine has been.

I wish for you that you live in peace and good health the rest of your life. It is the same thing I wish for myself and all who suffer.

Be well!