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My wife and I live in the country, with 4 neighbors within a quarter of a mile. Two of them have been a big help to us this past 6 months, and are often telling us to call if we need anything. I would call, but my wife is overly independent and is offended if I do ask.
We had to change churches 10 years ago because of irreconcilable differences with the pastor, so we don't have a local church community. We drive to a town 30 miles away now, and it's frustrating not to be making connections outside of the church walls.
My therapist challenged me a few months ago to start connecting with former friends, online at the least, because of the basic need we humans have. I know that being isolated isn't mentally healthy, but it's a challenge. I don't walk because of CIDP, but everywhere I go, my service dog, Sadie, is with me, and she certainly does warm everyone up to make some sort of conversation. She brings smiles to a lot of faces.
I was a minister in a very small, remote rural community for the last ten years of my life work, and had planned to be there another ten years. But I was becoming more and more deeply depressed, to the point of attempting suicide, so I had to retire at 55. I left behind me 45 years of working closely with all kinds of people, and moved where it's all too easy to hibernate. Losing connection with people left a huge hole. So, I know that my therapist is right, but it doesn't make it any easier to find friends.
As a rule, pastors avoid making friends in their church, and that leads to a problem with loneliness for many. I have never had more than one or two men at any given time I would call friends. I was friendly to everyone, and people liked me, but it's a leap from acquaintanceship to friendship.
Sorry for the negativity. I acknowledge the need for relationships. It's a known sociological, mental health, spiritual reality. It's easier for some than for others. But it's worth some effort.
Jim
Replies to "My wife and I live in the country, with 4 neighbors within a quarter of a..."
Hello 👋
Appreciate you sharing your heart. You said several things that made me pause.
One thing in particular is that "As a rule pastors avoid making friends at their church."
I have never in my entire life heard this rule? Is it a denominational specific rule?
I grew up surrounded by pastors. My grandfather was a farmer who had a reputation of being helpful, humble, generous and quiet.
My grandmother was known as an excellent cook, introvert and great supporter of friends and family.
It was nothing to see our pastor and neighboring pastors drop by after church to enjoy a meal, participate in a family celebration, participate in our grandfather's yearly hog slaughters and assisting with butchering the meat to share with the community or just to sit and talk a spell.
As children we saw and accepted them simply as family. Many of those beautiful souls have taken flight but the memories left behind are of jolly souls who preached the Word, had big laughs, big appetites and during their life trials shared their heavy hearts with our grandparents.
Now both me and my husband are pastors and have left a few religious groups and organizations who believe contrary to our beliefs associating the church to be a building.
We believe that our bodies are the temple of God making us living, breathing, walking, talking, churches or simply a church without walls free from religious traditions.
The whole point of being a pastor is connecting with people through various ways and if God send you friends along the way cherish the time you spend together as tomorrow is not promised.
It's never too late to start and the good book says your latter days will be better than your former days.
😂Happiness is a free will choice with or without friends. 💯 facts.
I bid you peace and may you come across friends to eat, drink and be merry as you navigate your journey. 🙏🎉
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Jim, This sounds very like a friend of mine, also a retired pastor. His story is different to yours - instead of retreating to the country, he & his wife moved to her hometown, where he began his healing journey. 6 years ago, with his body yearning to escape the cold, they came to our very small winter community in South Texas with their camper.
Long story short, after about 5 weeks of neighborly waves, I carried my coffee cup over one morning, and we began to meet each other. We connected, they began to join in community activities, bought a seasonal place, and joined our "intentional family." He exercises his pastoral skills by visiting one-on-one with anyone who seeks him out, has picked up his guitar. His wife is always at the center of any silliness or service to our neighbors.
Sunday he was at a family gathering, and described his surprise at finding another family to my sister, who doesn't "get" why people love to spend time in seasonal homes far from the familiar.
I find beauty in meeting people at/near our stage of life who "get it" when we have limitations, but don't let it stop them from enjoying life. And meeting people from all over North America, from all walks of life, has made me more open to new people and ideas. \