Recurring malignant brain meningiomas …completely lost -

I have had four very closely spaced brain tumor all identified within less than two and an half years. All cancerous and two so large I have permanent brain damage from two open brain surgeries less than four months apart. My life as I loved it is gone. Nothing is as it used to be. I feel like my world had physically been destroyed in less than two years. I can’t drive or go out without someone to help me. I have endured constant complications, neuropathy in my head neck and left rotator cuff, random, unexplained strokes, chronic loss of left side leg and arm. I use a walker and I have a custom made brace that extends from my left knee down to my foot. And it has to go inside my left shoe… the brace holds my leg and foot in place so I can stand without losing my balance, I have severe vision and hearing loss from high levels of radiation directly to my head for six weeks. The chemo made every day a terrible day. I am a high school teacher and I irrationally figured I would be able to work while I was in treatment. My students were amazing. They supported me in ways my my own grown sons could not. They never looked at me or changed the way they treated me. They just didn’t want to make it a big deal. But after weeks of me running to the closet with a garbage can, so nauseous and embarrassed of my sickness, I realized I needed to take time off. When all my hair fell out and I was broken. The radiation was such a high level that I have permanent hair loss on half my head. Fortunately as it is now growing back I am able to pull hair over that side and it’s getting better slowly as my hair is coming back. I never imagined losing my hair would shatter me, I thought I would be able to deal with it and move. Nope. I cried every day. I refused to look in a mirror and I didn’t want to leave the house or go anywhere. I lost myself and many of my friends and family became frustrated and angry with me. People avoided me and I couldn’t handle the pain and pity that they felt when they saw me.
I’m isolated from everyone around me. My mental state health spiraled and I was legally placed in an inpatient facility. Nothing about me is the same. I wake up. terrified because I d remember where I am. I still have difficulty recognizing my husband and he decided that I should move home. He would walk in our house and I would cower behind a sofa in absolute terror, I don’t know how I got here, but I really want to find my way back,i am unable to live without someone to help me through the day, I moved home to my parents because I require 24/7 health care. My children have been put through a 3 year nightmare. My husband isn’t able to care for me because he has to work. Both chemotherapy and radiation did not help to stop the cancer from spreading. Honestly, when you are told that you now have TEN malignant, fast growing brain tumors again-/how am I supposed to even hope for a normal life ? I don’t think treatment will help me and I am exhausted from living a life of constant medical conditions, hospitalizations …is anyone else going through this? I’m sorry this is so long, but I have no one to talk to about my feelings that I will possibly decline trial treatment and live like every day is my last. With TEN tumors I will not have to wait long for complications and other medical conditions decide whether I will continue with my diagnosis or not. Anyone with a similar compounding and unsure about what to do when nothing else has worked? I know it’s selfish but I have let my parents make all my decisions and I’m just worn down from it all…. Please let me know I am not alone in this vicious cycle…