I have felt the same way ever since I had a psychotic episode at age six, fifty-four years ago. I rate my level of suicidality on a scale of 0 to 10. Zero means no depression (which has never happened) 10; I'm dead. Most mornings, I wake up at about 8. By late afternoon, I can work my way down to a 3. By the time I return to bed, I'll be around 5.

I've recently tried to treat my depression like any chronic illness that needs daily management.

Here is what I do:

I wake up at 6:00 am every day. I get right up before I can start thinking.
I am usually out of the house by 7:30 after going through my morning ritual. I am still trying not to think, just act.
I exercise for two hours every day.
I then have coffee at a local place and collect my thoughts. By now, I can think without dropping into hell.
I work on projects that are meaningful to me until five.
I read or watch TV (I hate television but I live with my mother and she likes it).
In bed between 9:30 and 10:00.

Weekends are more challenging as they are less planned.
It sucks having to keep such a rigged schedule. For now, it's working, so I stay with it.
I also try not to eat food that makes me feel worse. For me, that is refined sugar and highly processed foods.

I also use my phone to keep track of my thoughts. I am a very different person at a three than I am at an eight. Sometimes, when I'm eight, it helps to read things I felt as a three. It also allows me to see how tragic my thinking was when I was eight or worse.

I believe I have been depressed for so long that the neuropathways leading to depression are like super highways. I know my brain can reroute these pathways. I try very hard to change my thinking as the negative thoughts creep in. Once they get a hold of me, it is difficult to impossible to change them.

Depression, for me, is a chronic condition like diabetes. I can treat it but can't cure it. I still bounce back and forth between wanting to die right now and just looking forward to when my life will be over. My work gives me purpose every once in a while, and I don't actively think of dying.

I wish you peace and good health.