Very very sorry about the difficulties. Honoring your husband's service.

Unfortunately these kinds of problems in families are common. I have them in my own family.

Shakespeare's King Lear discusses these things.

I have tried family counseling. It has helped some. Did not really change things, but did calm down the intensity of the problems.

And even if you can't bring the family into therapy, getting into therapy itself, always helps some.

take care now