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Emotional aftermath following breast cancer treatment
Breast Cancer | Last Active: 12 hours ago | Replies (82)Comment receiving replies
@rom828 - I thought the hard part was the treatments - boy was I wrong. Sometimes I feel fearful - and sometimes I can't even express what I'm fearful of. Other times everything my husband does annoys me and I wonder I have enough to worry about - why do I put up with the stuff that he does that annoys me. I'm extremely fortunate - I really did breeze through my chemo, surgery (bilateral - no reconstruction) and radiation - those had a fixed duration. This "survivorship" doesn't have an fixed duration. I'm only 1 year post treatment. I'm TNBC & BRCA2+ and my recurrence is highest the first 5 years post treatment. So am I going to be fearful for the next 4 years until I get past my 5 year milestone? I sure hope not - the stress and anxiety will do me no good. I have started doing some yoga and mediation and I hope that helps.
There are many times people ask how are you doing and I tell them "I'm fine"; but the opposite is true - how can you explain to someone the anxiety and worry about "am I doing everything I can to suppress a recurrence - will anything I do make any difference?" There is nothing they can say or do - and they just won't even understand the question. This site has been a safe place for me to vent and learn what others are doing to help make "survivorship" less stressful. Thank you for letting me vent.
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@bpknitter53 "this 'survivorship' doesn't have a fixed duration." So very true. It doesn't. People genuinely care. . . .at least the ones I know do - but they don't know how to identify with me, being a cancer survivor. I probably let my "it'll get better soon" hope last too long before I reached out to a psychologist for cognitive behavioral therapy. I have a master's in therapy and counseling, myself, so I understand this stuff . . . but I kept thinking I would have the gumption to get over it. Instead, the heaviness my heart can feel is like a familiar friend, though unwanted, when it comes to visit a little while. And I just got used to that feeling. Our brains record trauma in certain ways, and sometimes those memories get stuck. I describe it to my husband as a wheel that has a cog stuck in it. . . the wheel continues to try to keep turning, but it hitches in one spot. That's how this part of the healing can feel to me. I get stuck. Think of a grinding gear. . . sorta like that. My provider and I are working on using the flash technique and EMDR to access those thoughts that are so deeply tucked away, and recode them a bit, so my memory wraps those harder things with something good. Think of taking a pill that has a bitter taste. . . did your mother ever wrap it in something? I chuckle just a bit when I think of that word picture. . my memories need something yummy around the pill. Though I'm having some early success with that, there is still some more to go. I think what's important is that we realize this emotional part takes time - and to be patient with ourselves until we heal more fully. I, too, think about how the lingering emotional stress affects my physical body, and even that can cause stress. The point being - just give myself time. I'm already doing what I can in terms of going in and accessing those harder memories. . . now, just welcome the time, and let it do its job. Nope, there is no "fixed duration". How much easier it might be for us to quantify the number of days if we just had an "end" date. But we press on. With help from others. I am four years out from cancer surgery next month. Just. keep. going. :).