Tired of living

Hi Marilyn, I enjoyed reading your response. Re your feelings about your wonderfully long marriage and how it “never was”, I think that somehow, after the years pass, it’s almost like looking back on another person’s life if you get my drift...I’ve experienced those sort of feelings. Sometimes when I look back on some of my life experiences I almost feel…did that really happen? It’s inexplicable to me. I’m glad you found the courage to tell your mother you wanted nothing to do with her. I think it’s a power thing with the type of women our mothers were. As I said, I stopped seeing my mother after my father died but like your mother she never gave up trying every year or two. It was unfathomable really as she never liked me so why keep trying? She actually told me once I didn’t mean as much to her as her sons. The first time she told me to get out of the house and never come back I was eleven years old. She was good at putting the knife in and then twisting it for good measure (figuratively speaking). You may think that possibly I was an ill-behaved child but I was as good as gold, quiet and polite and tried so hard to please her by helping round the house and when I started work I would buy her flowers and other gifts but nothing worked. Luckily I gave up when I was relatively young as I had a friend (who died at 54) who became her mother’s carer and her mother treated her terribly but she had nothing bad to say about the daughter who rarely bothered to visit her. I’m glad you have a good relationship with your elder son and I think I would take the same action as you with regard to your younger son. He doesn’t deserve to benefit from your death if he doesn’t care for you when you’re alive. It’s wonderful that you are still in good health…things would be so much worse if you were not.

Re your suggestion of counselling, I hope you won’t take offence but I don’t have much faith in counselling…it’s not really a big thing in the UK like it is in the US but it is available. I’ve known instances when counselling has done more harm than good.

We have been to the US many times, in fact we’re going in September. I’ve been to New York, Chicago, La Jolla, Santa Monica, Seattle, Las Vegas, Key Largo, Orlando, Los Angeles. I would like to be a penpal (that sounds very old fashioned now doesn’t it as most people send a Facebook invite) but if you would like to my email. I won’t be at all offended if you prefer not. I have enjoyed our interaction and feel better for it as I was a little down today.

PS. Have you thought about getting a pet? My husband doesn’t like dogs but if anything happened to him I think I would definitely get a dog as a little companion.

Dear Marilyn, I know how damaging it is to be called stupid as a child. My mother was a cruel mother. I have three brothers and she didn’t like us getting on together…she liked to cause divisions between us. I used to get on well with my eldest brother when we were in our mid teens and she suggested to me one day that we were incestuous. That’s how evil she is. She called us all stupid. I actually believed her so when I got put into the top stream at high school I thought they’d been some mistake! My brothers were all in the bottom stream but they weren’t stupid either. They were amazing at art and carpentry etc but they just weren’t any good at academic subjects. My mother showed no interest in our schooling whatsoever. I once overheard her whispering to my future sister in law that we’d always been thick. When I had my own son he was extremely bright and we both took the official MENSA test and passed. His was 166 and mine was 133 which meant that I just scraped through (I think the lowest is 132 to qualify as a pass). I was 32 at the time and when my mother found out I had become a member of MENSA she said “what did you go and do that for?”. I stopped having any interaction with her when my father died when I was in my early thirties. She’s written me some poison letters over the years until my husband told her no mother should be sending her daughter letters like that. I really don’t know why she had children as she’s not maternal at all. She’s 86 now and I won’t even be going to her funeral when the time comes. It’s amazing that she’s religious (Jehovahs Witness) and when she’s with her religious friends she’s as sweet as can be to them but unfortunately not to her own children. Like you, I’ve always found it hard to mix with people too and only have about three friends who I see once a year for lunch or dinner. People think I’m confident but the reality is a lot of my life has been spent with an inferiority complex. I wish I lived near you as I would love to have you as a friend but alas I think you are in the US and I am in the UK! It’s unfortunate that your son only calls you out of duty but I’ve come to the conclusion that having children is only rewarding for a certain period of time. My son thought I was the best mother in the world but after he reached mid-thirties his visits became more sporadic and now we are lucky to get a call or text once every six months! It’s a horrible feeling to feel sick of living but I think we all feel like that sometimes. I certainly do and I remember occasionally feeling like that every so often from a young age. I’ve got a happy marriage but at times I feel very alone. My husband’s wonderful in some ways but not a very good listening ear so I feel I haven’t got anyone to talk which is the loneliest feeling in the world.

Hello! Thank you. I hope what I write makes sense. I wanted to write you, sensing an urgency. Seeking God is nothing short of a beautiful…life changing and deserves every attention.

I think the answer to what you seek is in what you have written. Let your heart be your guide. Follow the small but present inner voice. We all have that albeit small voice we need to amplify. God is waiting for us and is calling you personally. He is always there for us wether you have a religious home or not. He loves us all. It seems He is trying to get your attention. By talking about it and Him, I’d say you are on your way. Seek God. Jesus has been my best friend from early on. I’ve in life, fallen away but always come back to Him. Stronger each time. Read the story of Jesus at Gethsemane. People who struggle and have pain (any kind of pain) I think can identify with the Lord. This particular - Agony in the Garden. He had his disciples with him yet was alone at the most difficult time. He knows deeply what we endure and the struggles we face wanting us to know Him, follow, praise, adore Him.

I’m not sure you will need to “pick”. In your case I think you are being led by the Holy Spirit. It is picking you! Amen! Wanting to believe to believing may just take a leap of faith.

What you wrote is beautiful. Budding faith in God is glorious. I am going to pray for you tonight. Specifically that you find Jesus to be your best friend who saves and heals us over and again in so many ways…We live a human existence. So did the Lord. He knows our personal struggles and would never leave us. He wants us to be united in our faith with hope. Faith is believing without seeing, but Thomas (doubting Thomas to coin that phrase) doubted the resurrected Lord even while being in front of him and had to put his hands in his wounds to know it was Him.

He loves us all. Will never abandon us. Even when life brings us down He is there to guide us, teach us and live in and through us and lift us. I think the Holy Spirit is pulling you in His direction. Sometimes you just have to go with it, not overthink and answer His call.

Jesus is sad any of His children feel lost or disconnected. Your heart may just be on the cusp of being set ablaze with a fire that burns steady for His Holy Love.

Blessings and peace my friend.

Can you join a small group of people at Church maybe?

I sent an email to my therapist to arrange for an appointment. I think a lot of my problems stem from low self esteem. Even though I am told differently, I can still hear my mother's voice telling me how stupid I am. I want to talk to my therapist about how to get her voice out of my head.

I am very very sorry for all you have suffered. My own history is not all that different. And, over the years I have been suicidal as well. Mostly in 1983 and 1984, after being a violent crime victim.

Yes, therapists help.

But, you know, just be patient about everything. You have been profoundly wounded by life.

That may take some time to heal.

You are a strong person.

If not, you would have never posted at all.

That strength will serve you well and things will get better over time.

My mother did horrible, horrible things to me and to my brother. Criminal things.

But, we are both still here. My brother just got back from a wonderful birding trip in nature.

I am a faithful servant to my cat. I just do whatever she wants me to do. She makes me call her, "Your Majesty." It is not a relationship based on parity, but I don't mind serving my Queen.

Hang in there. Take care now.

Thank you for all your very positive comments. I am not sure I deserve them but I certainly appreciate them. Right now I am in a very low and contemplative mood. For whatever reason I have been called a negative person. This has hit me very hard because I never thought this about myself. Evidently, though, this is what they see. So for now I am keeping a low profile. I do not have a pet, although many people recommend this. I enjoy watching shows about animals but I do not think I am capable of actually having a pet in the house. To your last sentence, I am hanging in because what else can I do? Again, I thank you.