I have lived my life full of self loathing. It is only recently that I’ve come to understand that it’s not so much me that I hate as it is what life has made me that I hate.

I am sure I have always done the best that I can with the hand I’ve been dealt. It is always through the lens of unrealistic expectations that I have embraced, that I come up short.

I judge myself far more harshly than I judge anyone else. I do not see others as bad. I believe everyone suffers and no one wants to, but that’s the hand they were dealt. I am not very good at showing the same compassion and understanding to myself.

I believe it is uniquely difficult to hate one’s self and I am sorry for anyone that suffers this way, myself included.

Ten years ago I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic break. At the time I was the CEO of a billion dollar company that I had founded. I had never committed a violent act in my life.

I did not fight the charges, I believed I deserved what was happening to me.

In prison I became a mentor to other inmates, many of whom had committed heinous crimes.

I am now sure of one thing; no one chooses to be a vile person. Everyone acts based on their biology and everything that has happened, in every moment, proceeding the current moment.

I have come to believe that the idea of blame or credit is pointless. I can hate what my life has made me, a sixty year old felon living on disability with his eighty six year old mother, but hating myself seems about as logical as taking credit for everything I have been able to achieve. Neither is relevant.

Now, if I can remember this I may find some relief from the constant desire to kill myself.

I hope everyone lives in peace and good health,