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When you truly, honestly hate yourself

Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Jul 1 6:58pm | Replies (62)
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@aczatx47131

This morning I woke up with more sadness than I have had in months. I sat quietly for a while but could not associate it with any experience in the past.

So I tried an exercise from the book, HealingTrauma with Guided Drawing: A Sensorimotor Art Therapy Approach to Bilateral Body Mapping by Cornelia Elbrecht.

I have large sheets of newsprint, 2 feet by 3 feet, and jumbo crayons. I closed my eyes with a crayon in each fist and drew the same motion with both hands. I started crying and the word spinning came to my mind.

Some of my abuse occurred before I developed language so the memories do not have words. Bilateral Drawing helps me connect to the feelings and find a word.

Now an hour later my sadness has lifted. I hung the newspaper on the wall to honor the struggle to recall this painful memory.

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Replies to "This morning I woke up with more sadness than I have had in months. I sat..."
aczatx47131 | @aczatx47131 | Apr 11 8:21am

Healing Trauma with Guided Drawing by Cornelia Elbrecht
https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/healing-trauma-with-guided-drawing/

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brandysparks | @brandysparks | Apr 13 6:54am

@aczatx47131 Thank you very much. I'm going to look into this, and I appreciate your posting a link to it in your follow-up post.

I've looked into Art Therapy, even tried it with a therapist or two, but it didn't get very far, though, as with everything, it so much depends upon the person, their personality/approach/training/empathy, and so on.

I've purchased many books on Art Therapy (along with many self-help books), but I'm realizing for me it comes down to needing the personal, 1-on-1 engagement with another person/professional to get anywhere in my journey.

[As a note to share on that experience, in an effort to explain or answer one of her prompts in a session, I remember describing the scene that grabs me - that of the calm of a flowing river as it (unknowingly) approaches the precipice of a waterfall (of the magnitude of Niagara falls), with the full force of unavoidable, imminent disaster ahead.]

I do have a lovely LCSW therapist I visit locally, and feel fortunate to find her, but I think it is more of a supportive / friendship (for her mainly - with all good intentions on her part 🤗, truly), and for now I'm ok with that. I know how hard it is to find someone, and even the psychiatrist I had for over 20 years, who was very aware of professional ethics and boundaries, and yet went out of her way to comfort me at times of crisis - didn't seem to get me beyond my lifelong family-rooted struggles. I'll leave it at that for now.

But, again, I do greatly appreciate how you described the experience simply & directly here...
One of the many reasons Mayo Clinic Connect has been an invaluable resource, in innumerable ways, in my life these past few years!

Best wishes.

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