I used to think I was clinically depressed or had chronic severe depression but since I’ve been on 40+ antidepressants over 40 years and nothing has worked, SSRI’s, SNRI’s tricyclics, MAOI’s, etc. I finally diagnosed myself with PTSD trauma from childhood who coped with learned behavior that doesn’t work as an adult.
I believe my depression is a symptom of that protective behavior and a child’s perception that helped me to cope as a child and stayed with me into adulthood.
Symptoms are depression, anxiety and low self esteem.
It’s been hard to find competent therapists, psychiatrists etc. The longer I’ve been in this “no good help to find” state the more conditioned I’ve become unconsciously to lose hope which subsequently leads to a kind of apathy and lack of motivation to do the basic of things. I used to own a restaurant, lived in Italy and France for 20 years, graduated from college, had long term romantic relationships, was a fine arts painter who showed all over the world, trained chef, speak 5 languages so I know the decline has been slow and hardly noticeable until all of a sudden you see what you did do and can’t do now.
Including taking a shower.
Going on SSI and Housing was the biggest mistake, I was homeless, panhandling and had no other thought but food and shelter. After 8 years in that situation the mental adjustment of lowering my expectations, allowing myself to dream, hope, set goals were completely dampened and then snuffed out.
Dr.’s still try to suggest this and that and I say been on that, did that treatment or therapy.
I'm on my own, trying to learn to be an adult, think and act like an adult not like the child that was traumatized but that self esteem thing is really hard. Fake it til you make it doesn’t work, doing esteemable acts and things to feel accomplishment is not how I feel afterwards, it’s a foreign concept I’ve never had.
Have not given up trying though. I believe the brain can change and mindset can overcome a lot.
Not religious so please no comments though I appreciate the power and relief it can have for others.