Thank you. I actually submitted an application for a service animal, a hearing dog, and was accepted into the program. Later, I decided that I will only get another dog when I can give the animal 100 percent, which I am unable to do presently. Maybe soon, or not.
My suicide thoughts are related to the tremendous amount of pain that I wake up to everyday; I call it my alarm clock. Unless my doctor precribes something like fentanyl, which I was on for more than MANY years, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. "Oh, no, there are black box warnings......." I wore these patches, changing them every 2 days because I used to have a GOOD DOCTOR who unfortunately left Sutter once they transitioned to computerized notes etc. He had been my PCP for years, understood chronic pain and was very sympathetic. Think: old Jewish grandfather type.
I know that my family would be "upset" if I were to take my life; however, I also think on some level they would be "glad." One sister has already extracted me from her life because she thinks I am a freak, having had 2 ten year relationships with women, both of which ended disastrously. My other sister in such deep denial about my health and that of her husband's dementia, that I can longer discuss anything of importance with her, other than that she constantly reminds me of the poor choices I have made in my life. Sometimes when she brings my past up, it is all I can do to say, "well, look at your husband and what he did to me when I was 12 and had to go tell my mother that he needed to stay away from me." She knows. However, I do not pull these things out of my back pocket, but with the more frequency that she says these things, I feel I want to remind her, but won't. I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes, lacked judgment in terms of those I chose to have relationships with. But it does me no use to look back upon my life and think of all the bad things, and choose to remember the great times I enjoyed with these women even though they were both heavily damaged, and took great financial advantage of me, thus my sole source of income is Social Security Disability. At the very least, I had a great job, and my income is doable, kind of .
At least I am out of denial about my clothing, and will make some very nice I am clearing out my closet and will make donations today. It was actually cleansing to finally get rid of these clothes that have no fit for years. I can't believe I have lost 6 inches in my waist! I could sell this stuff on Poshmark, but walking to the post office multiple times a week is not something I want to do.
I will discuss all of this with my psychologist on Wednesday. She wants to start some new kind of treatment, EMDR therapy. Is anyone familiar? Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Your kindness makes all the difference in my day, even though I do not know you, your circumstances; yet we are connected because we both understand how REAL PAIN can impact one's overall outlook. Best to you