Thoughts of suicide have been with me most of my life. As a kid, I didn't realize it was suicide I was thinking about. I just didn't want to exist. As I got older I buried my feelings with drugs and alcohol.

After I got sober and entered therapy I learned why I felt this way. It didn't take it away but I understood where it came from. The beast was caged for twenty years. I knew it was there, but it didn't run my life.

Then a doctor put me on high doses of antidepressants because he thought I had major depressive disorder. Turns out I have bipolar disorder and all the antidepressants were the worst thing that could have happened. The beast broke out of his cage and in four years my life was destroyed and I was in prison. That's when they figured out I had bipolar disorder.

I have been suicidal to one degree or another since.

This past June I titrated off of all my medications. I had two months when the beast was caged and quiet. Then the reality of my situation came crashing back in. I have been profoundly depressed since and the beast hunts me daily.

I often feel I have nothing to live for so why am I fighting so hard? I should give in and let the beast take me. I do not have a gun (it is hard to get a gun when one is a felon and not a criminal) to ensure a quick exit nor do I have the means to overdose. That leaves hanging and I don't want to suffer more.

So, if I'm not going to be able to die I am working hard to try to get better. Not because I have a lot to live for but to stop suffering. I go to bed overnight hoping I do not wake up. I read the obituaries and think how lucky the deceased are.

I know there is something wrong with my biology and I know I might get better. I also know that no matter how much better I get the beast will always be hunting me. I don't know how much longer I can fight it.

I know I am not fighting alone. But one of the wonderful features of my beast is it convinces me I am alone and that no one cares. Worse yet everyone would be better off, if affected at all, if I am gone.

When I am well I am a high-functioning individual that has contributed significantly to society. When I am not well, at worst I become the beast and at best I am irrelevant.

I believe a person can tolerate any "how" if they have a "why". The beast robs me of my "why".

I hope you live in peace and good health.