My providers believe I feel this way because I am profoundly depressed, either with Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder, though I haven't had a manic episode in ten years.

Whatever the case may be depression has been my constant companion. I've had long breaks but it always comes back and I am tired of fighting. I know when it gets under control it is just a matter of time before it comes back again. It is like a monster that stalks me, waiting for any weakness to pounce.

I am dealing with a great deal of grief. Grief is fertile ground for the beast.

I know some people suffer more gracefully. Grace is one of the things my illness has taken from me.

My goal now is to survive the pain and be kind to people while I do.

Thank you for your question.

May you live in peace and good health.