Hello Frances,

Your post is very relatable and experiences seem close and familiar to me. We are on similar paths.

I have chronic pain and illnesses that have been disabling, a hardship. In so many ways it is a challenge to chronicle.

Pulling back from caregiver roll or from the ‘helper’ roll in general, from a person that does not like to ask for help or to ‘burden’ - it is a challenge to change to accept - my role is evolving.

The roles have changed (reversed). I mentally tried to stay in a familiar roll but had to bend to disabilities that have been winning over, to; ask for help and not find it in the people I have given the most too hurts deeply. Now I have reluctantly moved to a revised role and accepted my limitations (I am a work in progress, it is taking time to get there).

It is disheartening, but I have come to the conclusion that when people are accustomed to someone having the answers, or offer an empathetic ear or help - they are not used to reciprocating. Not used to having the roles change or reverse. So they do not give (time) what I, with hopeful anticipation, would not receive.

Perhaps their particular vantage point does not permit appropriate reply or to be there for me. I can only hope a person has the ability, desire...But when it hits close to home, and someone doesn’t, they are the very people closest…it is jarring, surprising and a shock to the system.

It has forced me to talk about ‘fluff’ while in a painful-flair and hard diagnosis(s) to have to accept basically alone (I have to live in this body). Lacking the emotional aptitude to give back. I have to accept it. Also, to give in a bit. To not stay focused, feel hurt or rejected but work on redirecting my energy so I don’t become angry. For me, anger turned inward causes depression, it ends up an unrecognized repressed, corrosive thought. So, I fight it.

You have your mind. That is key. You have and will continue to make the right decisions. You have to up to this point.

When I was depressed, I did more sleeping than functioning - maladaptive. It was bad at one time before I received appropriate ‘help’. It took a team to get well and time, trying to find the medication that would work and then it took time to be on the medication to see if it would alleviate symptoms.

It can and will get better for you. You are reaching out. Keep reaching…

Titration off of the medication could be causing a relapse. Consult the prescriber and relay symptoms. Symptoms could be a combination of suffering you are experiencing and withdrawal. I’m no doctor but have experienced extreme sadness.

Keep pushing forward and bounce things off people who share and care.

Acceptance. It is not easy. Change. Hard to do. All, possible.

Not speaking out had been corrosive to the soul. When I shared, I began to heal.

When things, issues become or are overwhelming, if I write about it, I have better clarity. I am doing that for current medical situation. It puts clarity where there were clouds. Such as writing out medical goal, symptoms, diagnosis, remedies…so I am able to learn to ask the doctor for help.

I hope something in this helps you if even a tiny bit Frances.

If ‘a’ condition - is that is very hard near impossible for me to deal with - how can I expect or hope that they can be there for me and deal with it? It would be hard for anyone. Outreach here is the first step, difficult and necessary.

I am fortunate and do talk to someone. My therapist is my ‘sound’ sounding board and the person I know who will make sure I am thinking about things in a healthy way and help me mentally and emotionally. I know she works with me. Thank God I have her. She helps me keep things in perspective. It is easy to sink into a hole and not want to come out.

I have pulled back. One thing I am trying to do for my well being is take one day, one moment at a time. It has become my mantra. I’m not saying this as a dismissal to dealing with what ails, it is more a way of handling todays challenges. As they come. Plan what I must then return to taking life moment by moment.

I told her just today that I have finally (as a caregiver) ‘accepted my limitations’. Thereby curtailing my overall involvement in that caregiving.

I never thought I’d arrive here, but the disability and/of pain has me almost at a standstill. Still, it hurts and the short-sidedness is off-putting and frustrating to accept. I can’t hold it against them. It had been self-defeating.

I have come to the realization that I never really will know another’s struggles unless they discuss them and I walk in their shoes. They perhaps can’t see my pain. They cannot see or feel what I feel or struggle with.

Everyone has a cross to bear. So, I see it that way rather than be disappointed or saddened about it or so I try. So, when someone isn’t there for me, I try to see it this way. It is compassionate to give them this understanding - one way. This makes me feel more connected.

I don’t want to shut out anyone, but know my mental health would suffer if I did. Suffering in silence.

Wishing you well. Feel better soon ❤️