Thank you. For what it is worth, the psychologist I was working with for months went AWOL just before Christmas, and it was not until I contacted her office that I was paired with a new one after the first of the year. Sadly, she had more problems than her patients, and I assumed the role of therapist to her. I was so astonished when she "left" because I had made it so clear that I had been "abandoned" in the past and did not want to experience this again.
This is the third time this has happened to me, which has caused me to lose faith in the "system." As you know, I have a lot of humility, and many tell me I am handling things with dignity and grace, but after stepping away from most of my "distractions" I realized that those "distractions" were a defense mechanism which allowed me to avoid how "I really felt inside." I thought I had evolved from those "family rules" reinforced over and over again. "Don't you ever tell anyone what goes on inside this house or this family." However, I did tell, and I am still admonished by my sister for doing so. "You have spent thousands of dollars to get your head straight, yet look at all the mistakes you have made in your life!" I know I have evolved, but giving up all of my distractions has caused me to take a much closer look at where I am in terms of my medical issues, and while my doctors keep telling me I have a great attitude and to remain positive, there are times more recently when I feel a profound sense of loss of myself, my abilities to do things I once loved doing, and how I feel physically. I actually called my friend Carolyn last night and said, "You know, if I committed suicide, no one would know for days because no one has a key to my apartment, and no one checks on me or visits anymore." It was just a thought, a warning if you will, that I need to "reframe" my thinking, which I am doing presently. Painting a huge mural on my living room wall. Breakin clay pots outside because I am so angry at the world, at my sister for not even considering doing something for herself as opposed to lamenting about her husband, who will more than likely outlive her at this point.
Thank you for your kindness. Perhaps I am also upset because 3/2 marked the second year of my dog's death and I wrote another article on Medium about her and my experience of losing her. I will post it, if you are interested.