Oh my! I'm so sorry you are experiencing such negative impacts from your massive lower spine surgery. What you had done was huge! I had three (all scheduled) spine surgeries in 2023 and my rehab continues over 9 months later.

Yes, I have felt the same feelings you express and have some thoughts for you. I believe that such massive surgeries can create for the patient a post-surgical form of PTSD. I felt similar debilitating and terrible psychological symptoms ... and I couldn't see my way past them. I literally feared I had ruined the rest of my life. You may be there, now.

Two things helped me manage: (1) Realizing that PTSD might be at work. Do some online research. Match your symptoms to those related to "typical" PTSD. Consider some of the approaches others have used to manage PTSD. (2) Maintaining a progress diary helped give me the perspective that - even though I felt like there was no change in my rehab - that I actually was slowly improving. When in the depths of PTSD - it feels like you're never going to improve...

Expressing yourself can be therapeutic.