Me again. I relate to much of what you say. I started rating my days at the recommendation of a counselor in a suicide watch home. Ten for me would be the best day of my life. From 4 down it's increasing levels of suicidality. I was 4 or below for 7 or 8 years. It took that long for me to be able to say that suicidal thoughts were only in the back of my mind, not always in my face. It took another two years to make it to 6, and that's my new 10.

Right now I'm dealing with the pain of spontaneous bilateral Achilles tendon ruptures. Boots on both legs. It's moved me down a notch, which is not surprising. It's so frustrating not to be able to do anything. I'm missing all of the late fall and winter yardwork. And I could be down for spring and into summer because I think I'm going to have to have surgery on both tendons. The orthopedist has been having me do the non surgical option for two months now and I can still feel the gap between the ends of the torn tendons.

Life is most unpredictable!

I'm glad that you have learned that there are observable causes of the way you've felt for so many years. Knowledge like that is really helpful for me. I wasn't thrilled when a therapist answered my question, "How long will I be dealing with PTSD and need a service dog?" with 6 words: "For the rest of your life". But in time, realizing that helped me come to terms with my mental health challenges. It's like, okay, this is my life; this is the way my life will be; I'll plan to take antidepressants for the rest of my life. I think having that knowledge put things in perspective and gave me a level of understanding what life would look like going forward. I've maintained a 6 now for around 5 years, with dips along the way, and I am okay with that.

You aren't a bad person because you have suicidal thoughts. You're a good man with diagnosable things that contribute to those thoughts. Maybe as that way of thinking grows, it will help you give yourself some grace.

I believe in you.

Jim