Not blowing you off... I get how hard this must be for you. Especially if you feel like you are going this alone without Drs that you feel connected to.
This is hard stuff and your reaction is normal for such a difficult place to be.
I know its hard to " show up" and do all the things needed to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so impressed by you and how much youve done!
I guess I'd ask you what you are doing that you enjoy in life ? To balance out all the other stuff? Self care that is positive?
Do you have someone to talk to about all your feelings about this? We talk to our husband's but we also kind of protect and care for them to.
I had to look death in the face after multiple cancer dxs and my faith helped me with that . I am not afraid to die. How I die yeah maybe a little, I'd like no pain . But living life also doesn't bring me fear... there are still moments of great joy to balance out the hard times. Moments of feeling useful. Giving to others , time with my family etc.
I know today is hard , I hear that, but I'm praying tomorrow's better. You deserve it!
Prayers for you