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I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On
Mental Health | Last Active: Mar 11 3:59pm | Replies (89)Comment receiving replies
I appreciate your support.
Yes, I have a therapist, a psych provider, and an engaged primary care professional. It took some doing but everyone is now helping me as best they can.
I have been suicidal to one degree or another since having a psychotic break at age six. Most of the time it has been a low-grade wish that my life would end. Other times it has been an urgent need to end my life. Lately, it has been terrible. Though it is improving slowly.
I grade my depression on a scale of zero to ten. Zero, no depression (has only happened a few times) to I'm dead (obviously hasn't happened yet). A week or so ago, I was a nine and a half. Today, I started as an eight (mornings are rough) and am about a six now. I find it helpful to quantify my mood. It helps give me some perspective and gives good feedback to my providers.
I agree that sleep is critical. When I don't sleep, my mood collapses quickly. I try to go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every day. Getting up is harder than going to bed. I also try to exercise every day. The worse my depression, the harder it is to keep this schedule and the more important that I do.
I am a sixty-year-old man. I have struggled with mental illness, trauma, and substance abuse my whole life. I realized, just recently, that I have never really accepted that I am sick. Despite numerous hospitalizations, years of counseling, a destroyed marriage, family, and business, and a stint in prison I've always figured I could overcome it.
I have achieved and lost so much and on some level have always blamed myself, even when doctors have told me otherwise. I think I may have finally accepted that I am sick and will need treatment for the rest of my life.
The question I wrestle with now is; can I have a life I want to live?
I figure it would be a good idea to wait until I am not so depressed before I make that decision.
Thank you for your encouragement.
May you live in peace and good health.
Replies to "I appreciate your support. Yes, I have a therapist, a psych provider, and an engaged primary..."
Me again. I relate to much of what you say. I started rating my days at the recommendation of a counselor in a suicide watch home. Ten for me would be the best day of my life. From 4 down it's increasing levels of suicidality. I was 4 or below for 7 or 8 years. It took that long for me to be able to say that suicidal thoughts were only in the back of my mind, not always in my face. It took another two years to make it to 6, and that's my new 10.
Right now I'm dealing with the pain of spontaneous bilateral Achilles tendon ruptures. Boots on both legs. It's moved me down a notch, which is not surprising. It's so frustrating not to be able to do anything. I'm missing all of the late fall and winter yardwork. And I could be down for spring and into summer because I think I'm going to have to have surgery on both tendons. The orthopedist has been having me do the non surgical option for two months now and I can still feel the gap between the ends of the torn tendons.
Life is most unpredictable!
I'm glad that you have learned that there are observable causes of the way you've felt for so many years. Knowledge like that is really helpful for me. I wasn't thrilled when a therapist answered my question, "How long will I be dealing with PTSD and need a service dog?" with 6 words: "For the rest of your life". But in time, realizing that helped me come to terms with my mental health challenges. It's like, okay, this is my life; this is the way my life will be; I'll plan to take antidepressants for the rest of my life. I think having that knowledge put things in perspective and gave me a level of understanding what life would look like going forward. I've maintained a 6 now for around 5 years, with dips along the way, and I am okay with that.
You aren't a bad person because you have suicidal thoughts. You're a good man with diagnosable things that contribute to those thoughts. Maybe as that way of thinking grows, it will help you give yourself some grace.
I believe in you.
Jim
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@dfb Glad you are still trying and fighting. You encourage many of us. Life can be so very tough, to say the least. Being thankful, even if for small things like people sharing their endurance stories or a beautiful sunny day, can help us hour by hour. Sometimes hearing that from others makes me roll my eyes because of the severe suffering. And then I do see the benefits when I try. Please hang in there. This life isn’t what was intended for us, something better is on the horizon…