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@mommacandy
Gynosaur weighing in to express my own annoyance with partners whose "sympathetic pregnancy, cancer, chemo, etc, symptoms" seem to overshadow the actual patient's symptoms and suffering. What a way to express support! We can (only gently) joke about this at our house when I am healthy (and therefore my partner is at peak health and sense of humor!). I once offered to ask my surgeon if he had time available in his schedule to squeeze my husband in for a radical hysterectomy before he got to me, since my husband's symptoms seemed worse than mine. (He complained of exhaustion and low back pain when I had been in labor for 20 hours, too...as if I was lounging on the couch, watching re-runs and eating bonbons!). I don't recommend irony as a rule, but found, in that case, that a "pointed remark" was all that I could manage (and did get a message across, although some repair was called for afterward).
I have read that couples develop unconscious, unspoken contracts, such as, "I help you feel good about yourself by letting you take care of me," or, "having physical pain or injury is the only acceptable reason for asking for care," or, "you reach outward for support and I get all of mine from you, so you can't be sick," or, "we don't talk about ______." It is times like these when those contracts become more apparent and MIGHT be ripe for conscious, explicit re-negotiation. It seems to me that my cancer has "provided opportunities" for me to learn how to ask (in direct ways and until I am heard) and to compassionately and generously (to myself) allow myself to receive from others. My husband (and our relationship) has grown a lot in the context of my cancer diagnosis, surgery and ongoing recovery/surveillance.
I truly hope your husband gets himself together (maybe he needs to seek emotional support for himself from others for a minute or two...) and becomes able to support you in all the ways you deserve! This is a pattern that does not help you and you deserve warm, kind, responsive help from as many around you as possible, starting with him!
Wishing you through this...
Replies to "@mommacandy Gynosaur weighing in to express my own annoyance with partners whose "sympathetic pregnancy, cancer, chemo,..."
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Thank you for posting this.
I have recently felt I'm in a 'competition' for who is suffering (or has suffered, even if it was 20+ years ago) from a major condition / pain / etc.
I "called" my partner/fiance on this just the other day - easier to do while out to eat (i.e., in public setting), and said - 'this is not a competition'.
[I recently had a VIN II/III (vulvar intraepithelial neoplasia) diagnosis and then laser ablation of my entire vulval area, and more to come. In other discussion areas here I've gone into some of the excruciating pain I've been enduring since then - to put it explicitly: urine is not kind to raw flesh - and I never know if the next bathroom visit might be excruciating or, if I might just < 10% of the time - get a "pass" on the pain.]
In one of the few times I've mentioned it to an acquaintance since this surgery, I referred to it as "female-related surgery". My partner pipes in that he has "male-related concerns" too. When I shortly thereafter asked him what these "male-related issues" are/were, he referred to his last year's pancreatitis attack. "WHAT???...that is NOT a male-related issue..." (And I WAS there with him at the hospital, advocating for him when he (usually) doesn't speak up for himself, etc etc., which is what I would hope and want any loving partner/friend/family member to do for me in any such situation. And, I am continuously watching out for his diet, his medical stats, doctor visits, questioning bills, etc.)
Even writing this down here it seems ludicrous - with all due respect to my sweetheart - but we've got to get this straight: I am currently facing (literally) "crying-out" pain at each bathroom visit, I haven't found anything that will calm the pain except good old Vaseline, AND, to the point...this is NOT about him!
He nodded he understood, but I know that tension is not over.
I'll leave it at that for now, but I think you understand what the struggle is...
I'm writing this with a loving smile, as I appreciate what we have, I just find I am the more 'articulate' one when it comes to addressing things - whether I'm trying to recover from surgery or not! - and so it adds up even more when you're the one in pain or even "just" discomfort, not knowing how you'll make it through the next bathroom "journey"!
Our medical Journey" has ramped up in the past 6 months, and there's probably more to come, so we need to be present for each other at the time of their need, and watch out for the other, equally, not in any way that's measurable, but in a way that recognizes their current experience, concerns, even fears, and hopefully we'll get better at this as we go along.
Hugs to all who've 'been there'.... 😉