I find your post very sad and I pray that you can find your way out of this rabbit hole. You have a lot to deal with. Do you share your feelings possibly with a close friend who will understand you? I hate to insult you but have you seen a psychiatrist? I'm 76 and through my younger years I saw maybe 5 or 6 of them and the talk did help somewhat. I'm told that antidepressants should also add talk therapy but I really didn't think at this age that I had anything else to talk about. Too much about me. I do pray that you find some help and it's not easy to climb above your crap and I'm not trying to be cute. Every day I watch too much TV and I am on my computer maybe 2 - 3 hours a day, sometimes playing word games which does relax me. I wish I had more encouraging words to give you. Please seek some help you sound very despondent. I hope that some others from this site will be able to help you out. Please take care of yourself. Nancy (Hug coming your way)