PN: From Anger to Acceptance
Hi, there!
Where are you on the road from anger to acceptance? A Foundation for PN webinar my partner and I watched the other evening got me thinking. I’ve long believed I was fully encamped in my PN acceptance, tent staked and taut, air mattress filled, sleeping bag unrolled, ready for another comfy night’s sleep in my belief. But after listening to that webinar, I’m no longer so sure. If I’m to be honest with myself (and you), I still have moments when I think, “Why me?” (Other than occasionally to my partner, I pretty much keep these moments to myself.)
I was diagnosed with large fiber sensory-dominant polyneuropathy a year and a half ago. I remember when I was first diagnosed, and the neurologist said the two words we least like to hear, “incurable” and “progressive,” my heart skipped a beat. I wasn’t so much angry as I was alarmed: What’s this large fiber whatchamacallit all about? So I studied up on it. I learned all I could. I joined Connect. I bugged my neurologist with lots of questions. So, if only a few days ago, you’d asked me if I’m fully accepting of my disease, I’d have answered, “Yup, fully accepting!”
So, why, then, do I still have these occasion “Why me?” moments? My partner assures me that’s only normal. I suppose it is. I’m still an accepting guy, and all of my friends relate to me as someone who’s come to terms with his PN. (That’s how I’d like them to see me.) But I thought I’d ask: Do others who, like me, believe you’re pretty accepting of your PN still have an occasional “Why me?” moment? Are such moments ones that tell you you’re still not fully accepting? Or, as my partner says, are they merely moments when such fleeting “Why me?” thoughts are perfectly normal? I’m curious.
Cheers to all!
Ray (@ray666)
Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Neuropathy Support Group.
I never was concerned about “why me” with my Epilepsy or neuropathy. I always felt it was negative and a way to feel sorry for myself. It's important to come to terms with whatever illness you have and acceptance is part of that, I believe that acceptance is essential. Just speaking about myself.
Take care,
Jake
@njed
“So, is the dilantin the cause of having no pain with sensory motor PN?”
Like your doctors, I can only speculate. I believe the longer these horrible medicines are taken the greater chance of it worsening our neuropathy. We both took the same meds and have neuropathy. I can't scientifically prove Dilantin was the cause but I believe it's reasonable. The sad part is I'll never really know for sure but I started out with neuropathy just on the bottoms of my feet it eventually progressed up to my waist, then caused ED, bowel problems, and urinary problems and leg weakness. I do sometimes wonder if the medication (Carbatrol) is making it progress at a faster pace, although it has been 37 years. When your doctors said they didn't believe it was caused by your seizure meds I don't think their opinion is any more reliable than mine. After all, you, me and the doctors are only surmising. But I believe the evidence is there. Was your Dilantin ever in the toxic range?
Dilantin is a non-linear drug and mine became unstable. No matter how it was taken my level remained toxic. Toxic levels are even more likely to cause neuropathy.
Jake
@jakedduck1 -- Jake, as you know, there is no test to say ... yes, the Dilantin has caused the PN. My symptoms started the same as yours, bottom of feet and toes then worked upward from there. Mine has stabilized below the knees and lately, in past 3 years, evidence in fingertips. Each of us have different patterns. You are right about the doctors, when I would bring up the possibility of these meds causing PN...oh no....I doubt it..likely not. They really don't know. Oddly enough, thinking back 20 years ago, when I would go to a neuro doc, they would all have me walk across the exam room walking toe to heal checking my balance. That test stopped as PN progressed because of inability to do so. My levels were jumping around for a while, then one doc ordered pure Dilantin and my levels were up around 10. Then, my friends at the insurance company questioned the need for pure Dilantin. My Dilantin was never in toxic range. Ed
Jake - So sorry to hear about your last round. I have not had any seizures for years. The Dilantin, like it or not, is holding me and working. Back in the late 60's, I was involved in a motorcycle accident, someone turned left in front of me, hit the car, flew over the car and landed 15 feet on the other side of the car after hitting a height of 7 feet in the air. Back then, docs feel the accident was likely cause of seizures which started in 1970 when I was in the military. I thought I was lucky with just a banged-up shoulder. Then, the fun started. Ed
Debbie - just caught what you said. You were fine, no PN. Then, in 10 days you went from initial/first signs of PN to a wheelchair. That is horrible. Was any immediate drug relating testing done? And, were you given any strong antibiotics at that time? Old Ed
I went to my PCP on Day 4, who scheduled a Neuro appointment whose first opening was three months out. On about Day 6, it was a weekend and went to the ER because I noticed blood in urine and I couldn’t walk without assistance. They sent me home awaiting tests, but called me back the next day to be admitted because the cultures came back with a severe UTI/Kidney infection that needed IV and supervised treatment. It was the 2nd day in the hospital that I fell on the bathroom floor and was too weak to get up and landed in the wheelchair for 6 months and extensive PT.
So the antibiotics were AFTER/during the infection. Docs said they didn’t get enough fluid from lumbar puncture but thought GBS was negative. Some Neuros say they think the infection I had was coincidental to the PN (I just find that hard to believe). Duke would later suggest, at a consult 4 months into it, that it “maybe” was a viral or post infection disorder that presents like GBS.
The hospital I was in for 2 weeks (before being transferred to rehab home) was in Myrtle Beach and they didn’t have a neuro department. So the hospital didn’t even have the capability to do EMG there, that came in about 5 weeks. Of course, I had no idea what had hit me and knew little about PN, and as it took over my hands as well at the end of those 10 days, using phone and computer was not an option for quite awhile so I wasn’t in research mode.
Ed – Same here. I, too, have been shipped off to PT more times than I care to remember, with the results always the same: "Your balance issues, Ray? Your numbness? They come with being 79. So, let's try the sit-to-stand again, shall we?" Mention PN, and nine-times-out-of-ten, I draw a blank from the therapist. I can be darn frustrating. – Ray
Deb - OMG - you sure went through a lot with this. You mentioned in the past you had to give up your career and I understand why. I agree with you about the infection was coincidental with the PN. That is just too hard to believe. Docs never want to blame meds. Glad you're doing much better,
I try to imagine if all my pain was replaced with numbness. Very weird.
I just had a follow-up with a neurologist at UAB (large teaching and research institution ). That visit reminded me that these doctors have seen, heard and studied every detail and variation of our illnesses. I could see his mind working as I asked question after question. His focus on me was laser sharp. What a refreshing and validating thing.
Good morning, Jake. I, too, believe acceptance is essential. If I weren't 99% accepting, I'd have a tough time getting through the day. PN would dominate my every thought, which, thank goodness, it doesn't. It may have when I was first diagnosed, but even then, I believe I succeeded at keeping my PN in a manageable place. When I created this topic, it wasn't because I was afraid I was sliding back into anger. I simply thought the topic might make for some interesting discussion, as it did for my partner and me. – Ray