PN: From Anger to Acceptance

Posted by Ray Kemble @ray666, Feb 16 11:14am

Hi, there!

Where are you on the road from anger to acceptance? A Foundation for PN webinar my partner and I watched the other evening got me thinking. I’ve long believed I was fully encamped in my PN acceptance, tent staked and taut, air mattress filled, sleeping bag unrolled, ready for another comfy night’s sleep in my belief. But after listening to that webinar, I’m no longer so sure. If I’m to be honest with myself (and you), I still have moments when I think, “Why me?” (Other than occasionally to my partner, I pretty much keep these moments to myself.)

I was diagnosed with large fiber sensory-dominant polyneuropathy a year and a half ago. I remember when I was first diagnosed, and the neurologist said the two words we least like to hear, “incurable” and “progressive,” my heart skipped a beat. I wasn’t so much angry as I was alarmed: What’s this large fiber whatchamacallit all about? So I studied up on it. I learned all I could. I joined Connect. I bugged my neurologist with lots of questions. So, if only a few days ago, you’d asked me if I’m fully accepting of my disease, I’d have answered, “Yup, fully accepting!”

So, why, then, do I still have these occasion “Why me?” moments? My partner assures me that’s only normal. I suppose it is. I’m still an accepting guy, and all of my friends relate to me as someone who’s come to terms with his PN. (That’s how I’d like them to see me.) But I thought I’d ask: Do others who, like me, believe you’re pretty accepting of your PN still have an occasional “Why me?” moment? Are such moments ones that tell you you’re still not fully accepting? Or, as my partner says, are they merely moments when such fleeting “Why me?” thoughts are perfectly normal? I’m curious.

Cheers to all!
Ray (@ray666)

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Neuropathy Support Group.

@dbeshears1

Ray -
I’m guessing, like me, when you get a report you read it and have to stop & Google every other word to try to figure out what it’s saying and to get questions ready for our doctors. I haven’t read reports of mine recently. There are so many big words I no longer recall if they belong to me. Myelinating, demyelinating, generative, degenerative… It all becomes a swirl and I almost would have to re-read and re-Google all over again. The only key word I remember with certainty anymore is “Idiopathic “ 😵‍💫

However, when I moved here last year, I asked my new Neuro if she would compare my last two EMG’s to see if she saw any signs of Progression (or Regression). I wanted to know so I’d have a little more Dara and knowledge to help plan for the future ? She refused to compare them. She said that it wouldn’t change the fact that SHE couldn’t do anything about it, so it wasn’t worth the time for her to do it. I guess it didn’t matter that I felt that Knowledge of progressing would be Power for ME. We can argue that my body is telling me, but that’s not imperial & specific scientific PN data with all the other variables in our life that contribute to our wellbeing.

It made me wonder if maybe she didn’t know how to compare the two EMGs that were 2 years apart. Or maybe she really was the type that just selfishly thought my visit was about her, not me. So when you used the word progressive, it made me wonder about how to measure it. (In a vacuum of course, because it would be hard to isolate it from the normal wear & tear with aging, injuries, our other medical condition impacts and their progressiveness , etc)

Days are looking up, getting longer, more sunshine, and I don’t like dark. I hope you’re staying warm! Deb

Jump to this post

Hi, Debbie

Frankly, it surprised me when this last neurologist offered a comparison between my two EMGs. A comparison hadn't been the reason I'd gone to see him. He was in mid-EMG when he stopped and said, more or less to himself, "Where's that original EMG?" stood, opened the exam room door, and called for it. When he had both EMGs in hand, he said––without my having asked him––"Your PN hasn't progressed much, if at all, in a year's time."

"Idiopathic" is now my favorite word, too. I use it on all possible occasions: dinner parties, supermarket queues, phone chats with my financial advisor. 🙂

Ray

REPLY
@njed

@dbeshears1 Debbie, I noticed your post above...let me see, oh yea..."good OLD NJ Ed". Hmmm...old.... Could not let that go by! Kidding of course. But my theory to focus on what you can do and not what you can't do plays into the point of this topic raised by Ray, and I found the anger did lessen as I was able to realize the things I can do and still do today. Less, of course but I'll make adjustments to do what I can. Over time, we accept what we have but it does take time. You are right, we don't abandon hope for a cure, that lives within each of us but over time, as difficult as it is, we have to learn to live with PN and make those adjustments along the way. It's all part of acceptance. Wish all the best! Old Ed. 🙂

Jump to this post

Good OLD Ed (I couldn't pass it up either!), others: I chose "anger" in my lead-off post more or less for the alliteration (with "acceptance"). I could just as easily have said "puzzlement," "disappointment," "alarm," or, for some of us, "sadness." For myself, I never felt "angry." I left my neurodoc's office the day he'd given me my diagnosis, eager to hit the books and learn all I could about this Thing Called PN.
––Ray

REPLY

@ray666 - Ray - glad to hear that your PN has not progressed much, that is great. Could the EB-N5 contribute towards this? Ed

REPLY
@njed

@ray666 - Ray - glad to hear that your PN has not progressed much, that is great. Could the EB-N5 contribute towards this? Ed

Jump to this post

@njed – Ed, I wish I knew if the EB-N5 is helping. Others ask me, too, and my answer is always the same. I'm prepping for my next neurodoc visit (2/28) and that EB-N5 question is at the top of the list. This is the same fellow who had me do a genetic test (cheek swab); I'm eager to learn the results of that test. (My brother, who died three years ago, had terrible neuropathy, but that's about all I know. At the time, I didn't have any PN symptoms, so I never pressed him for information. Now, of course, my neurodoc is asking.) – Ray

REPLY
@ray666

@njed – Ed, I wish I knew if the EB-N5 is helping. Others ask me, too, and my answer is always the same. I'm prepping for my next neurodoc visit (2/28) and that EB-N5 question is at the top of the list. This is the same fellow who had me do a genetic test (cheek swab); I'm eager to learn the results of that test. (My brother, who died three years ago, had terrible neuropathy, but that's about all I know. At the time, I didn't have any PN symptoms, so I never pressed him for information. Now, of course, my neurodoc is asking.) – Ray

Jump to this post

Ray, the fact that your brother had terrible neuropathy would have to be a smoking gun. I have no known family members with PN. That is interesting, and I'd ask if there are any other genetic testing that might be considered. I had CMT testing in 2018 and it came back with no markers. Ed

REPLY
@njed

Ray, the fact that your brother had terrible neuropathy would have to be a smoking gun. I have no known family members with PN. That is interesting, and I'd ask if there are any other genetic testing that might be considered. I had CMT testing in 2018 and it came back with no markers. Ed

Jump to this post

Good suggestion, Ed. I'll admit I know nothing about genetic testing. Just now, I was listening to a Foundation webinar on genetic testing and hereditary PN. Interesting stuff. And it has me wondering what sort of test was it that I was asked to take and what, if any, I might expect the results to be. Oddly enough, asking to take the test as I was getting ready to go seemed almost an offhand remark on the part of the neurodoc: "Oh, say, Ray, would you mind … " etc. –Ray

REPLY

@njed
Hi OLD Ed,
Did your doctors ever suggest your seizure medication may have been the cause of your Neuropathy? Dilantin, Phenobarbital, Carbamazepine, Gabapentin, Keppra, Topamax, and Vimpat and others have been associated with potentially causing Neuropathy. Although it's not a common side effect. Doctors believe seizure meds caused my Neuropathy.
Take care,
Jake

REPLY

@jakedduck1 Jake, interesting point. Was on phenobarb and dilantin from 1972 to about 1979. Then in 1979, phenobarb eliminated. Since 1979 been on 600 mg. of 'dilantin daily which has held me well, levels around 8 - 10 and I've tolerated it well. I have raised same question since my dx. in 2015 and all neuro docs said likely not. If dilantin was the cause, docs feel neuropathy would not have waited 35 - 40 years to show up. Yet, as you know, no doc is going to drop the dilantin if it is working...why take a chance. Perhaps you might be able to answer a question. Some folks have pain related PN and docs will prescribe dilantin for pain. I found that to be a little confusing because yes, dilantin is a known to be a POSSIBLE cause of PN. I have no pain with my PN, only numbness and horrible balance. So, is the dilantin the cause of having no pain with sensory motor PN? When I ask neuro docs, including those at Mayo, they don't know. Something else to add to the mystery. Ed

REPLY
@njed

@jakedduck1 Jake, interesting point. Was on phenobarb and dilantin from 1972 to about 1979. Then in 1979, phenobarb eliminated. Since 1979 been on 600 mg. of 'dilantin daily which has held me well, levels around 8 - 10 and I've tolerated it well. I have raised same question since my dx. in 2015 and all neuro docs said likely not. If dilantin was the cause, docs feel neuropathy would not have waited 35 - 40 years to show up. Yet, as you know, no doc is going to drop the dilantin if it is working...why take a chance. Perhaps you might be able to answer a question. Some folks have pain related PN and docs will prescribe dilantin for pain. I found that to be a little confusing because yes, dilantin is a known to be a POSSIBLE cause of PN. I have no pain with my PN, only numbness and horrible balance. So, is the dilantin the cause of having no pain with sensory motor PN? When I ask neuro docs, including those at Mayo, they don't know. Something else to add to the mystery. Ed

Jump to this post

"I have no pain with my PN, only numbness and horrible balance."

It's the damnest thing. I've caught myself wishing I had pain––at least a little––to go along with my PN. It seems every time I tell a neurodoc that all I have is numbness and a silly (read: precarious) way of walking, he begins to lose interest. I've grown to accept what appears to be a doc's fading interest as his way of signaling that without pain, he's nothing to suggest, no drug, no therapy, no at-home regimen, absolutely nothing. As you say, Ed, something else to add to the mystery.

REPLY

@njed
I’m not convinced the time frame is that important considering the differences between peoples response to medication. I took Dikantin & Phenobarbital along with 3 other seizure meds for 18 or 20 years before Neoprathy was diagnosed. All my meds were associated with potentially causing neuropathy. Dilantin causes axonal shrinkage of the sural nerve, this damage does not appear to improve after discontinuation of the drug. Also Dilantin lowers folate absorbsion and electrophysiological changes within nervous system cells. Does anyone really know the time it can take to subcume to neuropathy and from seizure meds. Like you said in another thread there is no test so I/we will never know for sure but it's a definite possibility. But it is what it is and not going away so I guess it doesn't really matter, like our Epilepsies 😩🤬
Take care OLD buddy,
Jake

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.