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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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I am in a similar situation. My husband died 1 year and 7 months ago. We were married for 53 years. My grief is still on going. I am sitting in my breakfast table and he used to be right across from me. Living alone is lonely but I do have a helper most days to keep me company. My son comes and stays for few weeks. I am also very fatigue and tired due to lack of sleep from anxiety and depression and I also have sleep apnea. My hope is getting my energy back so I can drive and be out more. Joined a senior club which I am looking forward to attend many of their activities.
Marilyn, is there a senior club you can join? There a lot more seniors around in your similar situation and you may connect with them.
Good luck to you,
Susie
I live in a 55+ community so there are plenty of clubs to join to match your interests. But I am not good at meeting people and a lot of things are in the evening. Even though I live in a gated community and the drive would be minimal, I just can't bring myself to do it. I have a housekeeper who comes every three weeks to clean. I do everything else by myself. I have had some grief counselling. But we were together for such a long time. We dated (in those days you didn't sleep together) for 3 years and were married for 59 years. That's 62 years of my life. When he died a lot of me died as well. Right now I just do what I have to do and spend the rest of the time quietly in my house. Will it ever get better? Who knows. Right now it is what it is.
I fully understand your situation as I am in the same boat. Please do not be discouraged. I will be seeing a psychologist to help me sort out my problems, maybe you could try too. You are just wonderful that you can do everything yourself. Give yourself credit for that. Maybe meet one person at a time and have coffee and just talk. Since you are in a 55+ community, there must be someone in the similar situation. Go out for a walk on a sunny day, you will find it will cheer you up especially seeing people walking their dogs. I met some nicest people on my daily walk. Spring is around the corner, then you can really enjoy the days outdoor which should cheer you up. Please keep me posted!
Walking alone is something I cannot do yet. I can still here my mother screaming at me that I will always be a lone wolf. My sane mind sees others walking alone and I know it's not a big deal. But when I try to do that I feel everyone is pointing their finger at me and saying "Look at that lone wolf." I know they really are not paying attention to me but that doesn't help. I have a good therapist and we are going to try and rewrite my past life to see if I can erase it. The odd thing, though, is that I used to be a race walker and I did this every day after work. I was alone but I was in my zone and it didn't bother me. I firmly believe that all those years of race walking have helped me to be so old and doing so well.
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3 ReactionsSo sorry to hear of your husbands passing after so many years. You are loved and prayed for.
It’s takes a bit to feel better, strong enough to do what one used to do. You are doing wonderful activities to help you heal and continue forward. Give yourself time and grace.
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1 ReactionThank you so much for your kind response. I am trying but am take one day at a time.
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2 ReactionsTeresa, I lost my son 8 years ago and I love and miss him so much. My heart is so broken. He was my only child. I am crying as I type this. I need help but don't know if there is any.
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3 ReactionsHelo @ddn,
I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your son. There is an organization called, Compassionate Friends. The goal of this organization is to support families who have lost children. Here is a link to the website.
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/
You can find information about support groups including online groups. It is important to talk about your son, with others who have also lost a child.
I applaud your courage to reach out on this forum and to discuss this. I hope that others who have lost children will join you in this discussion. Also, use this forum to talk about your son. Share your memories. There is no way to recover from your loss but there is a way through it and sharing and talking about it is a good way.
In the meantime, will you reach out to Compassionate Friends?
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2 ReactionsHello @ddn, Your message touched my heart. My son passed away in 2022. Then I lost my husband, his father, more recently. My husband was very ill, but I also believe his heart was broken from the loss of our son. These are some of the things that help me: I have a very strong faith, and a clergy person I can speak with. Sometimes that may sound cliche….but there is definitely a power greater than myself carrying me through this. I do yoga and try to walk or do some other physical exercise every day. I have some friends and family who lift me up….and I don’t hesitate to reach out to them when I need to talk. I try to keep busy….I am retired, but can fill in at my old job, and do so when asked. Sometimes I have to force myself to do the above activities, but I know they are necessary. And some days, many days, it still seems surreal that my sweet son is gone. He was such a shining light in my life….
I have reached out to Compassionate Friends, and they send a very helpful newsletter that you can read online. There are also some online grief groups that you can join….just to honor your loved one and spend some time with others who have experienced the same loss.
It also helps to take life One Day at a Time…..don’t think too far into the future. But DO plan some simple things to look forward to…a lunch date with a good friend…a get together with a family member.
Sending you a hug….
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3 ReactionsThank you darling for reaching out to me. I do have faith and I try to keep going, but it is so hard. I lost my best friend and "sister" in May 2015 after a shocking diagnosis in 4 months. Six months later my mom passed away. She had dementia. Then, 9 months later, the final blow when I lost my son.
My heart breaks for your losses. First your precious son, then your husband. I am so very, very sorry and will hold you close in prayer my darling.
God bless you for your compassion 🙏 ❤
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