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Placing a loved one in a facility?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Mar 7 7:20pm | Replies (16)Comment receiving replies
Hi @bayviewgal, reading your message I can almost hear your heart breaking over the situation and the decisions you are facing. I'm sending hugs first. You're asking really good questions! These are the questions to help you make the best decision with the information and realities at the moment.
To help you connect with other members who have been where you are now, I moved your post to the caregivers support group
- Caregivers: Dementia Support Group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/
I'm also tagging a few other members who have been where you are now, like
@fwentz @virginianaeve @cuyler @dollyme @centre @cec75 @ann16 @pattyinal @shirleymac. They too faced similar emotions and asked many questions about doing the right thing, Questions like:
- Once finding a placement for your loved one, how did you deal with the emotions?
- How do you deal with the guilt?
- How did you break the news to your loved one?
Replies to "Hi @bayviewgal, reading your message I can almost hear your heart breaking over the situation and..."
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Bayviewgal,
My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease 12 years ago. I cared for her at home for 9 years and then it became clear that it was necessary for her to go to a care facility. She was unsteady on her feet and there was a risk of her getting hurt if she fell and I could get hurt as well. It was best for both of us from a safety standpoint to make the move.
I was in a men's only caregiver support group for many years. The moderator, whose wife had had Alzheimer's before she died, said that he has heard from many caregivers who have placed their loved ones into a care facility that "I wish I had done it a few months sooner." I realize that a caregiver will tend to delay such a difficult move until it becomes imperative but sometimes it might be easier to make the move before it becomes a real crisis. But I understand that you face a 60-day period before you know the results of you application.
As far as feelings of guilt, I would encourage you to have compassion for yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend of yours who was in the same situation. I'm quite sure of one thing; you have done the best you can.
One possible way that might help breaking the news to your husband might be to have his doctor or a member of the clergy or someone else tell him it was best. (This is brainstorming and may not be useful.)
One thing you can do to help your husband is to take good care of yourself. Maybe a friend or neighbor could be a companion with your husband for a few hours while you can get away for errands, appointments, or just to get a bit of a respite. You might also check with Catholic Family Services. They have volunteers who want to help people in need and you don't need to be a Catholic to request help.
Here's a tip: When friends, neighbors, or relatives say "Is there anything I can do for you?", it's probably not a rhetorical question; they really may want to help. BE READ|Y WITH A RESPONSE! It may be hard to answer on the spot but if you have thought about it in advance you might say be a companion for a few hours, bring a casserole sometime, take my husband for a ride, or something else.
I will be sending good thoughts your way!
Frank