triciq50, thank you for sharing your feelings. I get those feelings on occasion too. Especially when I have a "blue day"...that's what I call them. Anti-depressants help, as I can recall how I was before I started taking them. I have great days too; days where if you were to say I have been diagnosed with depression I would not remember it. So I know I am better but really not cured. Sometimes I feel trapped in this. I get the sense you might feel the same way.

In addition to medication, what else are you doing? I have been very active in the past year doing outdoor activities, social activities, journaling, and really just about anything I never have done before. Getting out with people was so important. I go to therapy and it helps to talk about things (actually it has been the most helpful).

Like you, I ask myself the question, "what happened to me?" Not sure when was the onset of your depression. A year ago perhaps? Mine came from a cardiac event/survivor's guilt. In reality, I have a great life. I should be happy. Even with all these activities, I could never get past the "blah" myself.

I will tell you it took a while for me to really turn a corner on this. It is when you recognize what is it that makes you feel the way you do, that's when you have something. For me, it was my emotional relationships between myself and others. I had lost my self-esteem and self-worth through my depression. I am too scared to get this back. That is when you are facing your inner feelings head on. It is hard, but knowing what path to take is so important. Hopefully, you will have a guide (therapist) and those who will support you (family and friends).

Getting back to your post. If the medication is not entirely working, a change may be in order. Just know, you should trust your feelings/instincts on this. My personal advice is any changes in medications you need to be watchful in your behavior and feelings. You are the only one who truly knows what is going on.

@triciq50 Have you talked with your doctor about trying a different medication. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or counselor for the depression? Has the dosage of your antidepressant been changed at all? It sounds like you may need a different medication or to add another medication.

I have had long stretches of waking up suicidal. I am in one now. Antidepressant have never worked for me, and I've been on many, some for a long time. ECT did not work for me nor did Ketamine, though it was nice to be high for a couple of hours.

At my best I am a little sad. It is a level of sadness that I can live with. Loving my ex-wife and raising my children made it receed. Now that they are no longer in my life the clouds are over my head everyday. Most days I just want my life to end. Some days I think I will make it end.

What does work a little is getting out of bed and heading to the gym to exercise, even though I do not want to. It also helps that I eat a very nutritious diet. I plan it out so I don't have to try to figure it out in the morning when my depression is at its worst.

I'm not okay, but I'm functioning. If I am not going to kill myself, a daily decision, I am going to do everything I can to get better; mainly for my kids.

I have known peace and joy in my life, I suspect you have too. If I am not going to die, then I fight the best I can to get back there. Somedays all I can do is get up, have some breakfast (no sugar mind you) take a shower and turn on the television. On a good day I work on rebuilding my life.

I hope you live in peace and good health.

You’re not alone, I just hope you’re young and can find a good Doctor who can help you . Medicine really has helped me to live a normal life. Don’t hesitate to call one 🙂