At six I had a complete breakdown. Weeks of hallucinations, voices, nightmares you name it. The doctors said I was stressed from playing hockey. No that the emotional and physical abuse at home had anything to do with it. I was left to deal with it on my own.

At sixteen I was sexually abused by a number of adults. I started to drink alcholo and take drugs. At eighteen I was hospitalized for substance abuse disorders. No mention of the abuse.

At twenty-five I was suicidial and ended up in a psychiatrist office. Thankfully he was a healer. He refused to diagnose me with anything. He believed what I suffered from was unresolved trauma. Over the next nine years I would heal.

At forty five after building the American Dream with my wife and four children to love me. I went to a psychiatrist because I was feeling down. I was also obese. Didn’t sleep much. Never exercised and ate garbage. Without so much as a blood test this doctor diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. The prescribed medication and resulting mania took away everyone and everything that mattered to me. I ended up in prison.

In prison, they decided I had bipolar disorder because of the mania that put me in prison. So my meds changed, a little.

When I got out of prison and was suffering from deep depression (prison will do that) they added “melancholic features” to my diagnosis and threw the kitchen sink at me.

In July when I said I want off the meds and got visibly better they didn't know what to think. In December when the discontinuation effects landed me in the hospital they started some new meds.

The moral of my story is be careful. The emotional effects of trauma, whatever that trauma might be, are real. Trauma changes our biology and the body needs time to recover. Medication might help. But it might also make things worse. Mental Health Care is in the dark ages.

Control what you can control. Principly what you eat and how much you exercise. Mental health meds cannot make up for poor physical health. Run from anyone who thinks they can. Do your homework. Research every symptom, diagnosis or course of treatment. You will quickly learn that your providers don't really know what's going on or what to do either.

I'm sorry to write that. I wish it were not the case. I wish mental illness could be diagnosed with a blood test and that the treatments were fully understood. But they are not.

The best any of us can do for now is control what you can. Research everything and be skeptical of any one who tells you they are sure. What I look for is a provider that will listen and work with me.

I know it's hard. I'm sorry for all of us.

I hope you live in peace and good health.