Yesterday I did well because I stayed busy. However, last night wasn't too great. I could not sleep. I tried watching TV, put Lavender essential oil drops into my diffuser, got back up, played Backgammon on my laptop. The thoughts would not slow down. I had flashbacks of his last days when I felt so helpless and afraid. It is still hard for me to accept this as real. My mind knows he died, but my feelings still won't turn loose. I'm feeling OK this morning and planning to get a few things done. It's hard for me to imagine my life without him. I just want to be alone today. I know this isn't good, but sometimes you grow weary of pretending. I don't want to cause others around me to feel badly. This is a special season of joy.