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@jimhd I am so sorry that you are on this horrible ride. I am glad you took the time to let someone know what is going on inside your head, and how badly you are hurting right now.
**IF your feelings and thoughts are making you feel, that YOU ARE going to hurt yourself, PLEASE, GET HELP right away!
** YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU are IMPORTANT, Jim!
YOU have spoken to me before, in replies to my posts, and YOUR words gave me hope. You are hurting, and I HEAR you! You are right, thoughts, and feelings when you are in this “up and down” pattern, can seem rational because we hurt …BUT they are NOT. I KNOW. It IS hard at times to separate, rational and irrational, when inside, we feel defeated… but Jim, YOU recognize the difference. Remind yourself, “over and over” that YOU CAN & WILL get past the irrational thoughts. It is an ugly part of the cycle of depression. A darkness, which SO many of us have faced, and have fought our way through, to find the light. LOOK past that darkness, Jim…
I KNOW how difficult that is to do… BUT, YOU can do it! Through the darkness, YOU WILL find light. I HEARD you, @jimhd! FIND YOUR SAFE PLACE.
I AM HERE for YOU… and others are here, for you! YOU do NOT walk, this bumpy road, alone!
Jim, writing out what you ARE feeling, and have been feeling, allows others in, so they can help you through the darkness. KEEP the effort going, to write a few sentences here, in the forum. A safe place, with others, that have been where you are, or feel as you do.
REACH out, and you will find MANY hands reaching back! **I extend my hand to you JIM… tag me, or email me. I am listening to you, Jim… **
Were you able to find a therapist, yet? I know it was something you were working on. IF you ARE in therapy, please let them know how you’ve been feeling. Contact your Primary care, if you do not have a therapist yet.
As difficult as it can be, please do not isolate yourself, during this time. KEEP telling yourself, reminding yourself, that you CAN get through these feelings, and thoughts. REMEMBER that you have gotten through them before! MAKE that extra effort Jim, to GET out of bed each day, and after breakfast, KEEP GETTING out of your recliner. ONCE you start doing something, YOU said YOU feel GOOD! Do that every day… NO matter how small a project you find to do, even if you can only handle a little bit some days…DO IT… and “surround” yourself with the GOOD that it brings you!
YOU ARE important, and I AM positive, you’re VERY needed by your loved ones. YOU have spoken of them before. You shared in this forum previously, that you cannot talk about suicidal thoughts with your family, as the topic makes them grow silent. I am sorry. I know what that is like, as I have tried to speak to my sister, in the past, and she too, grew silent. THEY don’t know what to say, Jim. NOT YOU or I cause their silence. It is the way some people handle such deep emotions. It makes them face their own fears. IT DOES NOT mean they don’t LOVE, WANT, & NEED YOU! YOU are their loved one!
I believe the “silence” also comes from their NOT wanting to think of us as gone… because they LOVE us! My sister has told me this. Our loved ones HAVE stood by us because they do WANT, & NEED us!
YOU have a PURPOSE, Jim, EVEN on the days you cannot see it. Last night your purpose was to reach out, and share how you have been feeling before you went to bed. MY purpose this morning was to see your post… and tell you, I HEAR you. I am HERE for you! YOU are NOT alone.
@jimhd YOU CAN talk here, openly, to us, to ME… I KNOW the ride, as well! So do others.
Jim, do you remember the ladder analogy I wrote? It’s in this forum’s posts. YOU agreed that we could only live ONE rung at a time. Your ladder IS still here Jim! YOU are still climbing it! YOU hang on to the rung; you are on, and KNOW that your ladder is NOT broken. YOU CAN and WILL get to the next rung! You climbed it, by writing your post last night; by the effort, you put into each day, no matter how much self-pushing it takes; by getting back out of your recliner every day… by doing projects that make you feel GOOD. By being the one that “needs comfort” instead of always being the one to give it. Keep climbing, JIM!
@ jimhd, I hope that you slept well. Truly, restful sleep. Know that you are on my mind, and in my warmest thoughts. I genuinely care about you…on good days, and on rough days.
The roads are less “bumpy” when we walk them with a friend. You are NOT walking this road alone. With warm, and comforting thoughts, to you… ~Kim
Oh, Wow! How odd is that? @colleenyoung *looking at you, with a puzzled look on my face*
It will NOT allow me to post the remaining paragraph I had for my CONT portion. See above? How odd, just the CONT part posted in my test of adding it to my reply, to you.
I am a strong spiritual believer. I believe in God. I believe that things happen for a reason…
This may sound odd… but maybe I am NOT supposed to post the last bit I wrote.
It holds a very personal moment I had with my Dad. I have not shared it with anyone, not even my family.
Maybe, I am meant to keep that last bit to myself, and look at my Dad’s words a bit closer… What I have been trying to post is my SECOND realization… maybe I need to replay that conversation, between my Dad and myself a bit more, before I consider the “message” in his words, a “realization”, on my part.
My Dad used to tell me “Share what you need to but do not give everything you feel, away”.
I think, I am going to take this, “NOT being able to post my CONT” as being a personal moment, therefore “Un-postable”, just as my Dad is, “Unforgettable”.
*** Thank you… to anyone that has taken the time to read my post. Thank you, @colleenyoung, for your help. 🙂
I know I write rather lengthy posts, and my journals are proof, I always have.
My catharsis. My heart. My thoughts, my emotions… how could they ever be, anything but lengthy?
So, my deepest gratitude, for those of you, who have taken the time to read this post, and my others…*** ~ Kim
Hi, @colleenyoung you made perfect sense! 🙂
However, lol when I try to “reply”, as a CONT to my original post, above, I get a “Please provide text for this post.” message, even though the text body IS there, ready to post. (And, you all know I can write, so providing text is simple for me… lol)
Then, when I click, POST REPLY… that message appears in red, in the lower, left hand corner, directly across from the POST REPLY button. ( It giggled at me.. lol)
LOL… I think I can see you Colleen, shaking your head, going “huh?” 🙂 I am… lol only me, only me… lol *sigh* 🙂
I am somewhat “tech savvy”… “somewhat”.. lol and have not had this happen before. So, I am wondering if the reason I cannot reply, off my original post, is because I “reported” the post… lol?
I’m not sure that is what’s happening so I am going to try and post the little bit I had left, my CONT portion, here in this reply to you… and see what happens.. (Since my Dad passed Sunday, my world has been upside down… as frustrating as this posting issue is, I am laughing… I can see my Dad, shaking his head, with a big grin on his lips… lol He was “Our go to guy”… for things like this…)
Okay, trying now…
Hi..I somehow seemed to have reported my own post. ?? Reported by me, or the site itself, I’m not sure.
I am unable to add the last part of my original post, and I tried where you see the next post that just says; CONT..
Any advice? I’d like to complete my post, and unreport myself..lol 🙂 Thank you.. Officially, Technically Borked. ~ Kim
I am not quite sure where to put this reply, so I am going to add it here. I have been following this thread, and have had such wonderful words given to me from many of you. @jimhd and @johnjames, I have exchanged replies with both of you caring men, so I guess leaving a reply here, makes the most sense.
And, to the other wonderful people that have been following, or adding to this thread… or that have replied to me or others here, or under other forum threads, I’ve written under. This post I have chosen to share, with you all…
I have spoken a bit about my Dad, his illnesses, and the choices he had recently made for “end of life”. I shared he had been placed under Hospice care.
With great sorrow, and a pain-filled heart… I want to share, that this past Sunday, October 23, 2016, @ 9:10am, my most remarkable, loving and courageous Daddy, passed on. At the age of 71.
He went peacefully, in his sleep. He was called home.
His Hospice nurse, a most wonderful man, named Jim, was with him. My family did not have time to make it to the hospital, before my Dad passed on. Jim has told us, that he truly believes, that my Dad, with his strong will, left his earthly home before we made it to the hospital because he had wanted us all to be “safe”… (Jim’s view is that my Dad passed peacefully, knowing that those he loved most, were at home, and would not be at the hospital to see him pass, and have to drive home, after dealing with his passing on.)
As I heard those words, I believed them… that is how my Dad was… always looking after ‘us”, his children, wife… and others. My Dad’s words of;
“I love you very much, honey. Drive safe.” filled my head, as I thought of all the times I had visited my parents, and would be getting ready to go home afterwards. My Dad would ask me to “text him” when I got home, or I would get the “Daddy text”, just moments after I reached home.
Yet, it is all SO surreal. Being that it has only been 2 days, I suppose, that feeling that way is normal. Yet, I do not like feeling this way.
I am not angry. I am not in denial… 2 of the Grief charts processes of dealing with the loss of a loved one… actually, I don’t believe I fit any of the stages… maybe I will, as the following days, weeks, months arrive… or maybe I wont. I am sure; no one truly knows that answer.
Ironically, almost 2 weeks before, I had called my counselor… I was having such a difficult day, hurt, sad… and I had set up an appointment, for my daughter and myself, to meet with her. My counselor offered to see me that very day, yet I declined. She was to be out-of-town, the week of the 17th, but I knew I was able to wait. She hesitantly agreed, and checked on me, before her trip.
In my deepest core, I somehow knew that my Dad would pass on, near the end of those 2 weeks. At the time of my call, my counselor let me set up the appt. She moved her schedule around, to accommodate my plea, to see her on October 24th… yesterday.
NO one had given us a “timeline” or a set day, that my Dad would pass on… they couldn’t. Yet, I just somehow… knew. 10/24 is also my Mother’s birthday, she turned 69.
My relationship, with my Mother has always been tainted, to say the least, yet, my daughter and I spent the entire afternoon with her, the day my Dad passed on. For the “first” time, in I can’t even recall how long, my Mother and I spent quality time together. No ill feelings, animosity, or angst… We were a daughter, who lost her Daddy, after 47.5 yrs of having him in her life, and a mother, who had just lost her husband, of 50 years. Loving each other. I am trying NOT to question “why”, or “how” we seemed to have passed, the barrier, of all those years of hurt, (we even discussed much of the past between her and me) and spent a loving, supportive, tear-filled, laughter mingled day.. Talking about the man, we had in common. Celebrating him, not mourning him. Like a “gift” from my Dad… left for just my Mother, and I. My daughter was there watching, and listening. She knows of much of my past with my Mother…
To my Dad, those 2 women, my daughter, and my mother, will always be, his “2 most favorite red-heads”.
At my counseling appointment yesterday, my daughter and I spoke of how we were, how we felt… I felt calm. My daughter is not as “open”, and I tend to worry about her being an “emotional stuffer”… and she was as well, at our appt. My counselor assessed us as “being in shock”. No. No, I disagree. After watching, researching his diagnoses, and being with my Dad, these past 25 years, since he was first diagnosed, at 46… He underwent so many trial treatments, took 24 different medications a day… 3x open-heart surgeries… a defib, heart attacks… etc. I am NOT in shock.
I am NOT sure how I feel… relief, he is no longer in pain, proud, to be his daughter…many emotions mixed together.
I know I hurt. I awoke this morning crying. I am sure I will again. My anxiety/panic attacks, I have been beating back with a stick… and being prone to depression, I am aware it could strike… I have shared I am a cutter, and a burner… yet, I feel no desire or urge to do so… My “sobriety” from that behavior was a long and terrifying journey. One far worse, than facing the reality that my Dad has passed on… BUT yes, I hurt.
I needed/wanted, to share this part of my life’s journey, with the Connect group. Maybe reaching out, sharing… looking for support… I am not sure. I DO know, that my heart has been touched by many of you here, your stories I have read, your advice I have saved, and how I’ve related, to SO many of you.. A “safe” place… where I can just be, “me”.
There are TWO realizations that I have come to, in the weeks leading to my Dad’s passing… probably the 2 things that will bother me the most, until I figure out what to do with them…
“To my Dad, all of us around him, those he put before himself, loved and nurtured, WE were his world. To US, those that love him, looked to him for support and guidance, a smile, or a life lesson, HE was the CENTER of our world.”
Thank you, so much @jimhd… thank you. This past week has been exceptionally hard, and this morning when I got up, the heaviness that seems to have become my daily norm, awoke with me. I always start the day with my cup of coffee, and I read my emails. Many are from the Connect forums. I read yours, @jimhd and I admit… tears came to my eyes. Not bad tears… cleansing tears. I have cried so many times, every day since this difficult process with my Dad started… yet, those tears were not as cleansing as the ones that came today. Since this difficult situation, with my Dad going from Palliative care, to Hospice care… I have not heard such kind words, from anyone. YOU made me feel so much more, less alone… and I genuinely thank you.
I’ve had the chance to sit with my Dad when he was very much lucid… which was just a few, short weeks ago. We talked. We laughed. We cried. AND as always, my Dad supported me! His words are gifts that I will carry for the rest of my time here, on earth, and although when I hear them in my head now… they make me cry… I believe, one day they will be a source of comfort.
The rest of my family, my Mother and my 2 sisters, are dancing the dysfunctional jig. Somehow, I am either left out of what is going on, or sucked in like a whirlwind. I hold my head up… and I get through each trial.. However, it is definitely NOT easy. I have to gain info regarding my Dad’s status by going to the hospital, or calling the nurses. He is an hour away from me, and with my chronic pain, the drive is somewhat tough. I go as often as I can. I will not give into the rest of my family’s dysfunction, so I am often the brunt of their, not so nice words, or the blame of things gone wrong. I KNOW I am not the source. I do not live my life that way, and never will again. Indirectly though, their dysfunctional circle targets me, and I often feel I’m wearing armor and carrying a shield.
My Dad is under minor to moderate sedation now, and when he is awake, he is still pretty lucid, he recognizes each of us, says our names, tells us he loves us, and drifts back off. I have to laugh, as sick as this man is, he STILL yells at me, if he knows I am at the hospital, after dark. The caretaker. My lifeline. The soldier.
I go during the day, to lessen his worry. I admit I’ve been going less often to visit… not because of my chronic pain and driving but because he said to me one day; ( childhood nickname–>) ” Krimmy, you seeing me this way, deteriorating, is NOT on my list of wishes, for the end of my life. These are NOT the memories I want, for you, to have of me.”
@jimhd your last paragraph is beautiful, warm, and comforting. My Dad is not afraid of this journey ending, and a new one beginning. He has bestowed those words upon me. And they are genuine. I accept his choices, I respect HIS final “wishes”, and I believe he is finding peace.
Holding tightly to my Dad’s words, feelings, and wishes are often the greatest target, of my dysfunctional Mother…, as she believes my Dad has shared everything with her, and only her, during this time. I know he has not. He shared that he has not, with me. That was MY time with my Dad, words spoken to me. Words I will not give my Mother, as leverage or power, over me, or my Dad… now… or ever. Though his passing will leave a huge hole in my heart, I trust that I will one-day use the gifts he is leaving me now, to move forward, as the ache within heals.
Your prayers are so greatly appreciated. Yes, my Dad is a blessed man, and I feel, I am blessed, by the wonderful gift I was given, when he was chosen to be my Dad.
Though my faith has often been tested, and I have been left to feel unsure, lost, and broken, from my dysfunctional childhood through my adulthood. I KNOW I have NOT walked alone.
Your comforting words, @jimhd are what I need. They have inspired me, and have made me feel true comfort, where I have not felt it before. I especially needed that today. I genuinely, and with great appreciation, thank you, for your post to me. ~Kim
Oct 21, 2016 · Highly sensitive, depression, major anxiety, panic help in Depression & Anxiety
This IS such great news @melissa333!! 🙂 *happy dance time!*
I am hoping that your new Dr will help provide you with the direction you’ve been seeking. *smiles to you*
For all it’s worth, sometimes it seems we just have to take the long road, to find what it is we seek. In your case, your journey of frustration seems to have been just that… the long road. It sounds like you may have just found the rainbow, waiting at the end of that road!
Self-advocacy sometimes takes the gusto right out of us, but we must credit ourselves for the work we have done/do and for NOT giving up!
I wish you the very best, with your new Dr and treatment. As you, both get to know each other, I wish for you, the support, and guidance that you have sought, to start moving forward again. I am listening to you, too. And, yes, I hope that we do stay in touch! 🙂
(My smile lit up as soon as I saw your post, in my email! I did do what I said, I thought about you on Wednesday… I figured some extra, “positive vibes” couldn’t hurt! 🙂 )
Sending you, the biggest smile, and a TON of positive vibes! Have a great day, Melissa! 🙂 ~ Kim