This is going to sound really odd, and I'm sure everyone will have a conniption fit at Mayo, but please, folks, hear me out.
Over the years, I've been involved with folks who were ordered to quit smoking by their doctors. With one exception, they suffered greatly. Watching them, I decided I would never push anyone to do something so absolutely painful for their "own good." There's a quality of life factor here that's to me more important than "wellness." Am I advising folks not to quit smoking? Absolutely not! I quit for a couple of years, but as my problems mounted, the desire to return to smoking grew, causing uncomfortable cravings. Remembering my promise, I decided to have one cigarette every day at the same time. Now, no matter what calamity strikes at, say, 11:00 a.m., I know that in 11 hours, I get to have a cigarette. Just one. Unlike others who have been forced to quit, there are no cravings for the rest of the 24-hour period, nor have I had to turn to alcohol or some other bad-for-me substance.
My pcp is gong-no for the Mediterranean Diet for diabetes. I asked if my small piece of cinnamon toast (made with sweetener) was allowed. Absolutely not, he said. Why? Cause it's not on the Mediterranean Diet. I think not. Same holds true for my Stouffer Pot Pie. When problems are overwhelming me and I'm unable to prepare a meal from scratch, I make it for dinner. Oh, and my dietary restrictions include chronic kidney disease, diabetes, and gastrointestinal problems.
If one has one cigarette and coughs up blood, obviously one has a zero tolerance for smoking and shouldn't have even one cigarette. If swallowing a particular substance puts one in ICU, then don't do it. Common sense is at work here, I hope. "One" does not mean "one gallon" of ice cream, nor does it mean two would also be okay.
It seems to me that you, Carol, have put terrible pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection is highly overrated, unachievable, and probably won't work. Strict and in control? Maybe, but I kind of doubt it since us humans are flawed that way, don't you know?
Hope your endo has an explanation, but I know you know just how complicated our bodies are. I do understand where you're at in your thinking. After my last colonoscopy, I vowed never to have one again cause the prep made me sooo sick. Dr. Gupta called this week to schedule a colonoscopy, and I said no. I 'm 80, with a whole litany of medical problems, anyone of which can probably be fatal at any time. Meanwhile, the cooks at TGIF worked with me to reduce the carb level of the Cajun Chicken and Shrimp Pasta, which I love. My pcp would be horrified, but every once in a while, I enjoy myself with a dinner out not on the list.
Please be kind to yourself and take care. And please know we will be thinking about you and hope you are able to get some answers. If it's convenient, let us know what the doctor says.