Hi @amberpep, I moved your message to your previous discussion where you are connected with several members who know your story.
First some housekeeping.
1) to see all of your messages from newest to oldest, simply go to your profile and scroll down to your post. See here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/member/39725aa00ced969899847a73bad8bf432266449e0/
2) to see the messages in a discussion from Newest to Oldest, select Newest to Oldest in the dropdown menu under the first message. See the example in the picture below. You can also read more here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/new-customize-the-order-you-view-posts-see-new-posts-first/
Abby, I'm sorry that you are feeling in a deep dark hole covered with a wet blanket. I really feel like you need to tell someone and encourage you to be honest with your psychiatrist. You mention that you are afraid to do so because he may send you to the hospital where you don't feel safe. We are here to support you Abby, but it sounds like you need trained counsellors to help you at this time. You might consider calling the NAMI Helpline. The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET.
1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or firstname.lastname@example.org
Learn more here: https://www.nami.org/help
If you feel in crisis at any time call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to speak with a trained crisis counselor 24/7. They can help. Don't hesitate to call: