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I just wanted to say hello to both of you. In April, I lost my dearest friend to an incredibly aggressive triple negative cancer that had begun as a tiny breast lump less than a year before. She was an amazing woman, and an endurance athlete in her mid-40s. The shock of it has still not left me. I find myself wishing she had had the time and ability to go for a clinical trial… anything. I understand what you are going through, because I was there with her. I wish you both the best. It feels like I’ve been dragged into a war that the whole of society is fighting, and it makes me feel better to know that some one somewhere is beating this horrible disease.
What you are feeling is normal!
Trust that you are doing the right thing, and that, in the long run, the pain you feel now will fade… both the physical and the emotional pains. No one should ever have to endure being beaten by a “loved one.”
You might try looking for a support group for battered women in your area.
My partner has a similar tendency to “blow up”. He is not physically violent, but he is very fast to curse and yell when something bothers him. A stubbed toe generates enough noise to make me come running for fear he’s broken a limb, or chopped off a finger. I find myself telling him that the driver that cut him off is not the one he is punishing since I am the person he is exposing to his rage. It has taken years, but at this stage, I can usually get him to cut the yelling short. That said, I am with him for the long term as he has many good qualities, which are not diminished by a few flaws. I adore him… after more than ten years and two kids! However, if you feel the need to leave, you should not let financial concerns hold you back. If you do, then, you are staying from fear, not love, and that will color your whole experience of the relationship, making it that much harder for you to tolerate his flaws. If finances are really the issue, be creative. You probably have a friend or family member that will help with a loan, of letting you stay with them for a while. It really sounds like your situation could become toxic, and I empathize. Going back to school might give you some breathing space, as well as some added skills. Really take a good objective look at where you are, and where you want to be. It may be that a few small (or even major changes) will completely alter your mind-set. Sinking into depression is like falling into quicksand.
I hope this has given you some hope, or a few good ideas. Cheers – NN